It’s been a big couple of weeks for Sriracha hot sauce. First, a Los Angeles suburb sued a Sriracha factory for allegedly producing a spicy toxic cloud. And now, Subway has unveiled its Sriracha Chicken Melt, made with only the finest spicy toxic cloud.
Ian: I’m guessing it’s spicy because the Subway sandwich artist started by telling me my Sandwich Safe Word.
Eva: Just like in Breaking Bad, they have to use those special plastic barrels for the sandwiches, instead of bread.
Miles: If I put some Sriracha in my ears, will it burn out the “Five Dollar Footlong” song that’s been lodged in my brain?
Ian: Jared’s giant old pants just burst into flames.
Robert: Once again Subway provides the service of killing a hip food trend. The streets of Brooklyn run red today (with Sriracha discarded by outraged hipsters).
Eva: You know, I’ve also put Sriracha on meals I’ve ruined, so I understand Subway’s motive here.
Mike: On the plus side, after eating this, I don’t smell like Subway so much as I smell like the subway.
Robert: I like that they named the sandwich for the sound I make when it comes back up.
Miles: I like a Subway sandwich that’s so hot I forget I’m eating a Subway sandwich.
Ian: You know, “Sriracha Chicken Melt” is also the name of a frightening, outlawed coop cleaning product.
Peter: My brother once said, “with enough hot sauce you can eat anything.” My brother has met his match.
Eva: Wait. Now how will you know if someone cut their finger while making your sub?
Robert: The flavor will improve.
Ian: You’re thinking of Cannibal Subway, home of the Five Dollar Foot.
[The verdict: a welcome addition to Subway’s menu. We all approved. Though as we noted, Sriracha has the ability to save many a failed recipe.]