For years, makers of kids’ cereals have been upping the ante to get kids interested: hiding a toy surprise inside, adding multicolored marshmallows, setting bear traps in the cereal aisle. Now Post, makers of the classic Flintstones-themed Fruity Pebbles, have created “Poppin’ Pebbles,” an explosive Pop Rocks-Cereal mashup.
Miles: This is the only cereal on the market that fizzes and foams in your mouth. Well, this and Cinnamon Rabies Crunch.
Ian: The Flintstones weren’t entirely unhealthy people. When you think about it, their car was basically like an early treadmill desk.
Robert: I fed these to my kids for breakfast just the other day. I’ll find out how they liked them as soon as I regain custody.
Miles: I never thought they would create a cereal less healthy for you than Amyl Nitrate Popper Pebbles, but they’ve proven me wrong again.
Ian: These Poppin’ Pebbles are great, but I like the ones with tetanus better—the Poppin’ and Lockin’ Pebbles.
Eva: Frugal cave parents buy the generic kind: “Multicolored Flakes That Go Boom In Your Mouth When You Eat Them.”
Miles: I’m confused. Are these just dried pieces of Fred and Wilma’s daughter?
Eva: No wonder cavemen only lived to age 35.
Ian: One of the leading theories for why the dinosaurs went extinct is actually Pop Rocks & Coke.
Robert: Maybe I ate these too fast, but is my stomach supposed to be the size of the Hindenburg now?
Ian: You understand why they needed exciting cereals when all prehistoric kids had to watch was Saturday Morning Cave Paintings.
Eva: Yeah, strict cave moms only bought these on special occasions. Like to celebrate not getting eaten by a tiger.
Miles: The only way this could be part of a complete breakfast is if the rest of the meal is a note telling you not to eat them.
Eva: I bet prehistoric dentists hate this stuff.
[The verdict: a great (horrible) idea, but not well executed. Actual fizzing and sizzling moments were rare. To get that real Pop Rocks feeling, you had to pick out the few green, fizzy pieces and eat them on their own.]
Sandwich Monday is a satirical feature from the humorists at Wait Wait … Don’t Tell Me!
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