Sandwich Monday: Caffeinated Beef Jerky

June 2, 2014

Today’s fitness nuts have access to all sorts of food and beverage products to boost performance: Powerbars, Sport Beans, even beer. If they so desire, they can get caffeine from a topical spray.

But until now, athletes (or office workers) who wanted to get their jolt in the form of desiccated meat were out of luck.

Enter Perky Jerky.

Mike: This is disappointing. I assumed Perky Jerky was made from Couric meat.

Eva: I enjoy this jerky with freshly milked Five Hour Energy drink.

Peter: The jerky works! It’s been 10 minutes since I ate some and I am feeling a bit more like a jerk.

Ian: They should have called these Cowerbars.

Robert: It’s actually called jerky for the spasms you get five minutes after eating it.

Eva: Yes. It’s the perfect way to start, and end, my day before 8 a.m.

Miles: I’m just glad they didn’t go the other way with it. I don’t know if I could stomach a hickory smoked latte.

Ian: It’s like Red Bull, with actual bull.

Miles: I prefer Perky Jerky to Jerky Jerky, the beef jerky that insults your mom.

Eva: “Perky Jerky and cigarettes” doesn’t quite have the same French chicness.

Peter: Perky isn’t a very manly word. They should have called it Very Masculine-ky Jerky.

Robert: When my dad used to say “have some jerky,” I never knew if he was using his nickname for me or telling me to eat. Could have been “Have some, Jerky.”

Steven: Maybe we’ll get a caffeinated burger next. Then we’ll have the energy to change eating positions on the couch.

Peter: How do they get caffeine into the jerky? Do they make the cows drink coffee?

Ian: The venison one is called Starbucks.

Miles: Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my first cup of jerky.

Robert: Upton Sinclair is posthumously adding a chapter to The Jungle just to cover this.

[The verdict: Not the best jerky we’ve ever had, but preferable to a Powerbar. Imagine the looks you’ll get at the starting line of a 5K when you’re the only one there gnawing on a chunk of meat. It’s worth it just for that.]

Sandwich Monday is a satirical feature from the humorists at Wait, Wait … Don’t Tell Me!

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