Traditionally, the liquified foods marathoners choke down in the middle of a race have been limited to some pretty basic flavors: lemon-lime gel, vanilla goo, chocolate mystery substance.
No more! Clif has introduced pizza-flavored energy paste.
We tried it while competing together in an ultramarathon this weekend (this entire sentence is a lie).
Ian: It’s like an IV bag for someone suffering from too much happiness.
Eva: If my wisdom teeth grow back and I have to get them removed again, I won’t have to take a break from pizza this time.
Robert: Finally, a cure for the Passover pizza craving I suffer from every year!
To be fair, this stuff is designed for endurance athletes. See, it’s specially formulated to punish people who won’t stop talking about their marathon.
Eva: This’ll be great for refueling during my couch triathlon!
Ann: I’m not a marathoner, but I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to induce vomiting while running.
Ian: Yes, Liquid Pizza. Because you should trust the choices of people who choose to run ultramarathons.
The ingredients listed include Organic Carrot Puree, Organic Quinoa, and Organic Sunflower Seed Butter, just like real pizza.
Eva: This is the gel they use for ultrasounds if you’re pregnant with a pizza.
Ian: How could something that combines my love of pizza with my love of drinking be so terrible?
Robert: I usually have to drink a whole lot more to bring pizza back looking like this.
[The verdict: At their best, energy gels are not good. This is far from the best.]
Sandwich Monday is a satirical feature from the humorists at Wait, Wait … Don’t Tell Me!