Andy Bellatti couldn't resist the lights and sounds of a slot machine. He spent his days in Las Vegas building a successful career as a personable, TV-ready fitness expert, and his nights gambling away his savings. This is the story of how he hit rock bottom, and then confronted the demons that fueled his gambling addiction and finally got help.
By the way: We like to end episodes of Back from Broken with comeback stories from our listeners. We'd love to hear how you're doing in your recovery. You can record your update as a voice memo or mp3. Tell us your first name and where you live, something good that's happened in your recovery lately, and why it gives you hope. Hit save and send it to [email protected]. We might feature it on a future episode. Thanks!
Transcript
Vic Vela:
Hey, it's Vic. I want to give you a heads up that today's guest talks a little bit about suicide thoughts, but he's also one of the funniest people I've talked to on this podcast. So onto the show. In three, two, one. In the mid-2000s Andy Bellatti was an ambitious guy in his 20s.
Andy Bellatti:
Yeah, things were going really well for me.
Vic Vela:
He's from Argentina, but he moved to the U.S. to study in New York City at NYU. And he soon found out that nutrition was his thing.
Andy Bellatti:
Like when I started getting into nutrition, I very quickly started writing for publications and I had a blog. This is back in 2006 when blogs were still kind of starting, but I had a blog that had a good amount of following and I had, you know, some really big nutrition luminaries pointing to my blog and all of that. And then as a result of that, I had a lot of faith and hope in my future and my career.
Vic Vela:
It made sense. He was a slim fit vegan who loved writing and he figured he could help people live better lives. So he became a certified dietician and when it came time to find a job, he got a great offer to be a health coach in Las Vegas. He'd have his own office helping casino staff plan meals and get exercise. And the pay was good too. But instead of being excited about this opportunity Andy was worried. Worried because he already had a bit of history with Las Vegas.
Andy Bellatti:
I was in a relationship and we came out here on vacation because I had never been here prior to that. I had never gambled and I hadn't even had an interest in gambling, believe it or not. And then ever since then, you know, ever since that first visit to Vegas, I would come out here once a year specifically to gamble. That's all I did.
Vic Vela:
And at that time would you say gambling was under control? Like you would just do it for fun every so often?
Andy Bellatti:
Well that's the thing. It's, I mean, I was under the delusion that it was under control, but I mean, you know, I came here for 48 hours in 2009 with the plan to only spend $300 on gambling and I ended up spending $2,500 in 48 hours. So clearly it was already a problem.
Vic Vela:
But when he got that job offer, he thought, well, maybe actually living in Las Vegas wouldn't be the same as a vacation where you want to splurge. So he took the job and as he settled in, it seemed like things might be okay. But then three weeks go by and he gets something in the mail. It's a packet from a casino. It's filled with coupons for meals at restaurants, players clubs, and $50 in free play .
Andy Bellatti:
And I thought sweet, I'll just go and you know, play the play, the free play and whatever I end up with, whether it's $5 or $500 I'll just cash it out and go home. Famous last words.
Vic Vela:
So that first night, Andy, your first big gambling night out with the coupons, how much money did you lose?
Andy Bellatti:
Of my own money? Uh, I think it was like $400 or $500.
Vic Vela:
That's a lot.
Andy Bellatti:
Yeah it is. But you know that's the crazy thing though that looking back on it, yes that's, that's a lot of money. But yet compared to what I was losing as time went on, it kind of feels like peanuts. Like I wish that I had stopped when I had only lost $500.
Vic Vela:
I'm Vic Vela. I'm a journalist, a storyteller, and a recovering drug addict. This is Back from Broken from Colorado Public Radio. Stories about the highest highs, the darkest moments and what it takes to make a comeback. On this show we often talk about people like me who have struggled with substances. Well today we're going to talk about gambling. It's a different kind of habit that 2 million people in the U.S. alone are addicted to. And it's never been easier to get lured in. The slot machines that Andy liked seem less like games and more like experiences.
Andy Bellatti:
Yes.
Vic Vela:
Cause I think people, a lot of people at least have in their minds those old games of pulling the lever and seeing the three cherries come across the screen.
Andy Bellatti:
Yeah. No, that's, that's not it at all. If you have, you know, like 60-inch screens and you have both speakers and you have these super comfortable chairs. There's one game, like a Willy Wonka game, where in the bonus round you're like going through like the whatever the chocolate river or whatever it's called. And like as you're going through it, the chair is actually like swaying back and forth. I mean it's, it's a whole multisensory experience. So it is not cherry cherry seven. In fact, I never played a cherry cherry seven machine
Vic Vela:
Instead you're floating through a chocolate river of dreams.
Andy Bellatti:
It was almost like I was stepping into a game show of sorts. Um, and I was like, you know, and all attention was on me. And then when you hit the third symbol, there was a separate sound that kind of like locked it in place and then this prerecorded voice would come out and say things like 'Amazing!Terrific, Inconceivable!' Yeah. Diamonds filling up the screen. I mean, yeah. And it sounds so simplistic to say, but that was so seductive to me. Something about it made me feel special. All I did was just tap a plastic button. But I felt like I had somehow, you know, unlocked the secret to life. I mean that's how it feels when you're in that chair.
Vic Vela:
Well, you mentioned all attention was on you. Um, why was that important to you?
Andy Bellatti:
I already had like in my mind I'm like, okay, by 30 I had to have a book deal, which I mean that's a completely arbitrary, a milestone that I set for myself. It was my way of being like 'I need.' I think it was like I got so used to as a child getting external validation for, you know, for being ahead of the curve that then once I was part of the curve and there's nothing wrong with that. But once I was no longer the standout person, it was almost like my identity got lost cause I was like, well then who am I?
Vic Vela:
Andy says even though he was successful at work, he wasn't living up to his own ambitious goals. He couldn't handle the pressure he put on himself to succeed. So when Andy turned 30 instead of working on a book deal, he was gambling a lot. What did an average day look like?
Andy Bellatti:
So the night before payday, starting around 11:15, 11:20, I would be on my couch and I'll never forget it. For some reason I was always watching Modern Family reruns.
Vic Vela:
Okay.
Andy Bellatti:
So now whenever I watch Modern Family, I always flash back to like being on my couch. But, um, I would be on my couch and I would open my banking app every minute to see if the direct deposit hit. And the second it hit, I would literally run to my car and drive to the closest casino and I would run to the doors and start gambling. So that was usually what would happen.
Vic Vela:
I'm picturing like a kid when Santa Claus is coming. Right? That kind of joy.
Andy Bellatti:
Totally. Yes. Except that Santa was coming with like lumps of coal for, for five years. So I preferred to gamble for the most part, starting at midnight into the next morning and I would leave at 7:45 in the morning cause I had to go to work. Otherwise I would have stayed. I would go home, change my clothes, I would not shower and go to work.
Vic Vela:
So you would not combine booze with, with your gambling. What about drugs?
Andy Bellatti:
Nope.
Vic Vela:
Not at all?
Andy Bellatti:
You know why? Because for me drugs are about a loss of control. And I always wanted to be in control and this is why gambling was so, it fit me like a glove because I could go on a 12 hour gambling binge and then go to work and maybe I looked tired, but you know, I could still drive, I could still speak. I was coherent. You couldn't smell gambling on me. Like gambling wasn't leaving track marks on my arms. So as somebody who is all about control, that was also great because I could really keep people in the dark very easily.
Vic Vela:
And keeping people in the dark like that turned a city of bright lights and constant action into a pretty lonely place. Andy has a vivid memory of this one Thanksgiving, and remember he's a vegan. So Turkey Day wasn't really his thing.
Andy Bellatti:
So woke up around 9 or 10, something quick for breakfast and went to the casino and I was there for, oh geez, from like 10:00 AM to like 11:00 PM or so, gambling the entire time and losing, I mean I lost a ton of money that day.
Vic Vela:
13 hours in a casino on Thanksgiving. That doesn't sound very happy to me.
Andy Bellatti:
No. But here's the thing that's also kind of twisted. Because this is a 24 hour city and because there's so much gambling addiction here, I was surrounded by people. That's the weird thing.
Andy Bellatti:
I would of course see the same people over and over, cause we were all addicts. But in my delusion I would see somebody, I remember thinking, 'Ugh, this guy is here again? He's here all the time.' And it's like, yeah cause I'm here all the time. But then even there were some people who like liked the same machines that I did and I would see them all the time because they would literally play next to one another. We never knew each other's names. It was more just, Hey, how's it going? Hey and if one of us hit, give each other a high five and that was it. I mean it's crazy to me that there were people who I knew for years and we never spoke. And then there will be times, and I'll be at a slot machine, just staring at the screen with people on either side of me. And I didn't even look at their face once.
Vic Vela:
Andy, how bad did your financial situation get?
Andy Bellatti:
Oh, I mean it horrible. So the way I summarize it is I moved to Vegas with one credit card, no debt, five and a half years into gambling. I had 12 credit cards, $35,000 in credit card debt. My 401k completely cashed out. My health savings account completely cashed out. I think I had like $10 in my savings account. And looking back on it the whole time that I was gambling, even though I made, you know, on paper I made a good living. I was living paycheck to paycheck.
Vic Vela:
Andy is pretty sure that no one, he was close to knew he was gambling as much as he was. Not his boss, not his friends. Even his family had no idea he was struggling with this. And you even hid it from your mom when she would come visit.
Andy Bellatti:
Oh yeah. I mean my parents, oh absolutely. I remember, this is I think also pretty sick. So my mom is not really a a slot player, but so, but when, when my parents were here, we would go to dinner and then, because like I needed a fix, I would convince my mom to play just so I could watch. Yeah. And she would say, and there were times when she would be like, 'Do you want to? Well do you want to play?' And I was like, 'No. This just doesn't really interest me.' And then afterwards I would say goodbye to her and go gamble for eight hours.
Vic Vela:
And still, on paper, Andy was doing well. Full time job. He'd 'd go on local television and appear on YouTube videos and at health conferences talking about nutrition. Early in his career, some heavy hitters in the food and diet world were noticing him.
Andy Bellatti:
You know, Mark Bittman would share my post and then I very quickly got a lot like a good amount of following and then I was writing for these magazines and instead of me being like, I like the work that I do, it became, Oh Mark Bittman likes the work that I do, so therefore it's good. And that that wasn't good for me. That like propagated some really bad thinking on my part.
Vic Vela:
And your ego is just blowing up.
Andy Bellatti:
Totally. But I always say that I'm probably the only compulsive gambler who would come home and have a kale and hemp seed salad because I was still, you know, in my nutrition world, so I was not rolling up at the Taco Bell drive through at three in the morning. So much of my life was in utter chaos and going downhill. But yet when it came to my eating, I was sticking true to my, to what I preached.
Vic Vela:
So you're kind of wearing these two faces clearly. And you would go on TV and you would smile and you would tell people the, you know, how to eat healthier and to lead healthier lifestyles. Um, were you ever asked if you gambled by any of the television anchors?
Andy Bellatti:
None of the television anchors that I remember. I have a friend down in Argentina who is a producer for some radio shows and there's one radio show that she produces where there's a segment where they interview Argentines who live abroad and asks them, you know, what's it like living where you live, etcetera. And she asked me if I wanted to go on and I said, yeah, sure. But I had a feeling that because I live in Vegas that we're going to ask me about gambling. So I didn't tell anybody. And sure enough the host asked me like, you know, if I gambled. And I think the night before I had gambled like $1,500 and lost. And it was funny because when he asked, I just did my best, talking about two faces, and just acting. I just acted totally disinterested and I think I said something like, uh, not really like maybe if a friend comes to visit, but when you live here, it's just in the background. So it's just, it's just not something on my mind.
Vic Vela:
Well, what compelled you to go to that extreme? You didn't even say, Oh, I'll go on weekends or something. I mean, you just, it was a flat out lie.
Andy Bellatti:
Yeah, total denial. Well, I think it was just because I knew how bad it was. I think I had to really, I didn't even want to open the door because my thing, I guess in my mind it was if I said I did it maybe once a month, that would just lead to more questions. So I figured the more bored I sound and the less I talk about it, there won't be a followup. We'll move on to the next topic. Um, yeah, it was total… I think it was fear of being found out. I think one thing that we addicts do very well is lie. And I did it for five years straight. It increasingly made me feel like the biggest fraud because here I was talking about, you know, you have to make healthy choices because you're worth it. And even talking to my own clients as a coach, you know, I would be talking about maybe how they were using food as an emotional crutch and meanwhile I would then leave work and go sit in front of a slot machine for nine hours and destroy myself.
Vic Vela:
What was the biggest one time win you recall?
Andy Bellatti:
I want to say it was, $3000 and something. Um, maybe like $3,400.
Vic Vela:
That's a nice payout. I'd take it.
Andy Bellatti:
Yeah, I mean, and it was of a $1.60 bet. And understand too that the worst thing that can happen to a compulsive gambler is a big win. I mean, talk about dopamine rush because it's like not only does the machine go crazy or the one that I was playing would go crazy again with like, you know, the, the confetti and the diamonds and the guy going, you know, 'Amazing, terrific!' You know, 'Inconceivable!' And spotlights. But also here in Nevada, if you win on one spin of a machine, if you win $1,200 or more, the machine freezes and a slot attendant has to come and pay you in bills. Even that makes you feel like even more of a winner, you know? And then some people may be, you know, people are watching and you're literally being paid $3,400 in hundreds.
Vic Vela:
I'm picturing like a game show, like, you know, Bob Barker just handing you hundred dollar bills or whatever. Right? And everyone's like applauding and you know, envious.
Andy Bellatti:
Yeah, yeah. You know, and then people, and then if there's people playing around you, you know, people are high fiving you and saying congratulations. And then I'm not surprised by this, but for me, most of the time, the 90% of the time that I wasn't walking away, it was like, Oh sweet, now I have more money. I'm going to keep playing so I can win more. If I lost, I wanted to keep playing so I could win back what I lost. If I won I wanted to keep playing so I could win more. So win or lose, the final path was always keep playing. And then eventually you end up losing.
Andy Bellatti:
And I remember sitting in my car and opening up the notes app on my phone and writing something like I just lost $1,500 I feel miserable. I feel like a loser. You know, thinking that if I read that every day it would help. But I didn't do any. I ended up deleting the note like the next day. So I tried all these things, but, and then, you know, there were definitely moments, not every time, but toward the end, leaving a casino at five in the morning and really just thinking, why don't I just turn the wheel into the highway divider and just end it all? Um, and the reason why I didn't is because that wasn't a guarantee that I would die. Like for all I knew I would turn into the highway divider and end up a quadriplegic with hospital bills. That would just add to my financial burden.
Vic Vela:
That's what kept you from doing it?
Andy Bellatti:
Yeah.
Vic Vela:
After the break, the conversation that turned things around for Andy and how he avoids temptation today.
Vic Vela:
In 2017, Andy was working a good job, had some stature as a nutritionist, getting attention and doing TV appearances, but at the same time he'd been in a tremendous downward spiral for more than five years. The moment he finally came to terms with everything that was happening really came by surprise. Andy was in Los Angeles with his boss who was trying to get Andy to think about leaving Vegas to work in LA. They were sitting in a car outside of his hotel about to say goodbye.
Andy Bellatti:
And he's like, just think about what I said, you know, if you want to move out here, we could probably swing it in about six months. And I said, okay, cool. And then he says, did you think about it financially? Like can you actually swing that? And in my head I'm like, no, there's no way in hell. But I said, yeah, I probably could. Again the lying. And then he says, and this is what opens up the flood gates. So then he says to me, yeah, I'm sure you can because you seem like a financially responsible guy.
Vic Vela:
Oh man.
Andy Bellatti:
So he says this, cause again from his viewpoint, I have this really, you know, really basic car. I am not going on like shopping sprees or traveling and he knows how much he pays me. So he's like, clearly this dude is just like, you know, saving a bunch of money. And he said that. And, you know, normally, I mean, I could have just been like, all right, cool, see you tomorrow and just left. But there was something when he said, 'You seem like a financially responsible guy.' That something in my gut just said, 'All right, like the jig is up, you can't keep this up. You have to tell him.' And suddenly I just said, 'Um, I got to tell you something.' And he said, 'What's going on?' And then it took me a while to get it out. I was just kind of sitting in his passenger seat and I was like, Oh my God. Oh my God. And he thought I was getting sick. So he just started turning up the air conditioning and I was like, no, I'm not, I'm not getting sick. I just said I have a gambling problem. And of course then I broke down and then we drove somewhere else. Cause then we talked for an hour and I told them everything.
Vic Vela:
Was that the first time in your life you'd ever said those words?
Andy Bellatti:
To that degree? Yes. Prior to that, I had told two other people in my life, 'Um, you know, I think maybe I might have a problem.'.
Vic Vela:
You would hedge with other people, but this was the first time it was a flat out admission. That's a big moment. What do you remember feeling as those words came out of your mouth?
Andy Bellatti:
Well, I mean, I felt everything. I felt shame, I felt embarrassment, but I also felt relief. It was like, I mean, I think that's why…I mean I cried for a full hour. I think it was just years of, of, of shame and embarrassment and anger and frustration and self-loathing all just coming out. Um, and I think I'm, I'm so glad it happened because he's, I mean, he also, he listened to me very intently, but he's the one who also suggested, well, you know, have you, have you considered a 12 step program? And you know, prior to that I had seen the pamphlets next to the ATMs in the casinos, you know, when the fun stops. But I never thought about it. Um, but in that moment and telling him, I felt, I also felt validated because he really listened to me. And I think I felt heard. And for once after five years of feeling hopeless after that conversation, I felt some hope.
Vic Vela:
Andy really wanted to hit a meeting right away. But the gambling hotline he called, gave him the wrong meeting times for his area. So he had to wait a day. Did you have to white knuckle it the night before or did you gamble?
Andy Bellatti:
I did not gamble.
Vic Vela:
What was that like?
Andy Bellatti:
I think I was so still processing all the events from like telling my boss and just the events of, you know, driving around the city and, and literally going to doors that are, that are not open. It all ended up working out great because that meeting. So the person … the Tuesday morning meeting, the person who leads the meeting comes in and it's just me and her for a few minutes. And she knew that I was new and I sat down and she came over and gave me some literature and then she gave me, I remember that she gave me a hug and she said, it's going to be okay. And I already started getting emotional, and it was a very small meeting. It was only five people. And I cried when I told my story. I actually didn't even shed a tear, but when I was hearing other people's stories, I just kept crying because I was feeling hope. You know, I'll never forget. There was somebody who is in his 70s and he has 10 years in the program. So he started when he was like 64 or something, and he's talking about how he was homeless and he stole from his, you know, from, from family. And yet here he is now 10 years in recovery and, and, and doing great. And I needed to hear that because that's what gave me hope.
Vic Vela:
Yeah. You saw for probably for the first time people who had turned their lives around.
Andy Bellatti:
Yeah. And people who were telling stories where I would be like, Oh my God, yes, that's totally it. You know where they would talk about going to the casino and being like, I'll just play the free play and staying there for 12 hours and …
Vic Vela:
That's me. That's me. That's me.
Vic Vela:
Yeah. And so you know, as much as the support of family and friends has been crucial, and I appreciate it, there's nothing like being in a room with people who have been through the exact same hell that you've been through.
Vic Vela:
I had the same experience in recovery, even though my addiction was totally different than Andy's. When I first sat in a recovery meeting and admitted to being a cocaine addict, it felt like the weight of the world being lifted because you're surrounded by so much support. So as Andy worked the program, he began to realize that his gambling addiction wasn't about money. There were a lot of other emotions behind the gambling that was causing him to remain in that spiral. Emotions he wasn't facing.
Andy Bellatti:
I think for so long I kind of had this sensation that if I were to display human traits, like feeling sad or feeling lonely, that I was somehow a failure and that I had to always be, you know, I had to always succeed and I couldn't be average. And that's why the whole thing of like, you know, by 30 I need to have a bestselling book. I need to tell them I need to have a McMansion, I need to be the number one nutritionist in the world. Like all of that was coming from the fact that I felt like I had to always be the best. And I think one thing I learned in recovery is that I need to just cut myself some slack and just realize that I'm not a robot. I'm not a machine, I'm a human being and I need to embrace that fully.
Andy Bellatti:
I mean, I know it sounds kind of cliche to say, but I'm kind of grateful for the way it went down because this is what ultimately led me to face my demons. And maybe if I hadn't moved here and had this gambling addiction, I would have just gone through the rest of my life with all these unaddressed undealt with issues.
Vic Vela:
That's it. That's, that's, that's the big revelation in recovery, isn't it? It's you're grateful for the pain. Uh, and people look at you like you're crazy for saying that, but it's true.
Andy Bellatti:
And I got to tell you, you know, one thing that has shifted for me is that initially for a while I was going to meetings every day and as time has gone on, um, I'm not going as frequently. It's very common to hear, but you know, if you stopped going to meetings, you're pretty much gonna relapse. That's the message that I got. But what I started realizing is that the reason why I'm, why I'm not going to meetings as often is because thanks to recovery, I'm now filling up my life with other things. I think it's important for people to also just do whatever helps them the most. Um, and I think all of our journeys though similar, you know, have, have different details to them and that's okay.
Vic Vela:
You still live in Vegas?
Andy Bellatti:
I do same apartment. I still have that same casino a minute and a half away.
Vic Vela:
That begs the question. Why?
Andy Bellatti:
Yeah. Well, good question. So, well, so the first one is that financially at the very beginning I could not afford to move. It's just, I mean, I had no financial means of doing that. Uh, but I mean, listen, I feel like if you can stop gambling here, you can stop gambling anywhere.
Vic Vela:
Andy, a lot of your friends now are recovering gambling addicts. Um, what is a group of former gamblers who live in Las Vegas do for fun?
Andy Bellatti:
Mainly, um, meet, you know, meet for coffee, go to lunch. Again, I think when, when you're with other people who are in recovery, um, I think much like me, the sight of a slot machine itself is not the trigger. The trigger was loneliness and shame and all these other things that when you, when you're in recovery and when you're meeting up with somebody for coffee or lunch, you're both in a better place. So your mind doesn't even go there.
Vic Vela:
That shame that used to be there everywhere he went has now turned into a sense of purpose for Andy. Instead of hiding this from everybody in his life, he shares what he went through. In fact, he sees a lot of parallels between what he tells his clients and how he approaches recovery.
Andy Bellatti:
I think that in order, in order to successfully navigate a chronic health issue or an addiction, you have to, well you have to kind of like retrain your brain and readjust your habits. You need a support system and you also need to engage in self care. I think if you do all those things, you'll be able to successfully navigate whether it's a chronic disease or an addiction.
Andy Bellatti:
And I know that even when I was in my addiction, I remember thinking, there's no way in hell that I can get out of this financial hole. Nobody's going to understand me. Everybody's going to make fun of me. Like I have hit rock bottom and I'm here to tell you, you can turn it around. You can beat addiction, you really can, and it does get better. And all you have to do is for a moment just be vulnerable and ask for help. And when you ask for help, it is there.
Vic Vela:
Andy Bellatti continues to work as a dietician in Las Vegas, helping people live better lives now that he's living a better life himself. Back from Broken is a show about how we're all broken sometimes and how we need help from time to time. If you're struggling with gambling addiction, you could find a list of resources at our website BackfromBroken.org.
Elizabeth:
This is Elizabeth from Denver, Colorado, and here's what's been happening in my recovery. I've recently started a relationship with a gal who has a little bit less time than me and I'm showing her what has worked for me in staying sober and I'm living a happy life in recovery.
Will:
My name's Will Snyder from Denver, Colorado. And here's what's been happening in my recovery recently. On January 3rd I hit four years of sobriety and I was playing music at the Bluebird theater on that date to a sell out crowd and they cheered me on in my recovery.
Vic Vela:
We'd love to hear how you're doing in your recovery and we might share it on this podcast so everybody listening can give you a virtual pat on the back too. Record a voice memo or MP3 and send it to [email protected]
Vic Vela:
If you know someone who might benefit from stories like this, please share this podcast with them. We spent more than a year building this show on research, interviews, production, editing, because we know it'll help people, but it does cost money. The people who listened to this podcast, people just like you make it a reality. You can give a little bit now at BackFromBroken.org. Back from Broken is hosted by me Vic Vela. It's a production of Colorado Public Radio's Audio Innovation Studio and CPR News. Thanks to the people in recovery who helped us develop this podcast. Ben, Matthew, Sean, and Mateo. Thank you so much for your guidance. The show is produced by Rebecca Romberg, John Pinnow, and Matthew Simonson. Rachel Estabrook edited this episode. Our executive producers are Brad Turner and Kevin Dale. Music by Brad Turner and Daniel Mescher. Thanks also to Francie Swidler, Kim Nguyen, Hart Van Denberg, and Kevin Beatty. Please subscribe rate and review the show on Apple podcasts. It really helps other people find it and thanks for listening to Back From Broken.
