As both a student and a teacher, Jessica Dueñas found a sanctuary in the classroom. She was confident, capable and passionate about learning and helping students. But her struggle with alcoholism made her reevaluate her priorities — and the career she loved. Yet somehow, she's more hopeful than before.
Back From Broken is a show about how we are all broken sometimes, and how we need help from time to time. If you’re struggling, you can seek help through a list of resources we've compiled.
Host: Vic Vela
Lead producer: Matthew Simonson
Editor: Rachel Estabrook
Producers: Luis Antonio Perez, Jo Erickson, Rebekah Romberg, Dennis Funk
Music: Daniel Mescher, Brad Turner
Executive producers: Brad Turner, Rachel Estabrook
Thanks also to Hart van Denburg, Jodi Gersh, Clara Shelton, Matt Herz, Martin Skavish, Kim Nguyen, Francie Swidler.
On Twitter: @VicVela1
Transcript
Transcript
Vic Vela:
Just a quick note before we get started, this episode contains strong language and graphic descriptions.
In 3, 2, 1
A few months ago, at the end of 2020, I read this really unusual opinion piece written by a teacher. She was opening up in a local newspaper in Kentucky about the sort of double life she had been leading.
Jessica Dueñas:
I have a couple of friends who work or that newspaper. And so I reached out to one of them and I was like, I've been thinking, this might be a good time for me to come out.
Vic Vela:
Jessica Dueñas is a standout teacher. She was even recently named Kentucky's Teacher of the Year. But she also had secrets that she didn't want to keep inside anymore. She wanted to go public about her struggles with alcoholism.
Jessica Dueñas:
No longer was there anything that I could be ashamed of because if I put it all out there, I can live my most honest life.
Vic Vela:
Jessica wrote the story not long after she started really getting sober, and her writing reminded me of how hard those first weeks and months of recovery are. I've been there — the anguish, the psychological struggle. And I was really moved about how Jessica was putting herself out there and basically saying, look at me, I'm struggling. But she's also saying, here's what it's taken for me to get to this point. Jessica has had to give up everything she's worked so hard to preserve, including her privacy and her career, in order to survive.
I'm Vic Vela. I'm a journalist, a storyteller and a recovering drug addict. And this is “Back from Broken,” from Colorado Public Radio — stories about the highest highs, the darkest moments and what it takes to make a comeback.
I mentioned Jessica was a teacher in Kentucky, Louisville specifically. She made that career choice really early on, back when she was growing up in New York. She was only five at the time.
Jessica Dueñas:
I knew I wanted to teach since I was in kindergarten. I was really shy and I didn't want to speak. And I also didn't speak English very well. And then the teacher there, she was really good about getting me out of my shell and she was loving, but really firm. And just from there, I decided I wanted to be a teacher.
Vic Vela:
Wow. That's a young time to make a career choice. Well, let's talk about your parents and your home for a minute. You're a first-generation American. Your dad was born in Cuba, your mother from Costa Rica. What was it like growing up with your parents? What kind of parents were they?
Jessica Dueñas:
My parents did the best they could, but I did not always hear a lot of loving things at home. So when teachers would say it, it would stick with me a lot. Love for my mother was being provided with the space to sleep, clothes. And that’s how she determined love for us, you know, making sure that we were physically comfortable and physically safe, but in terms of the emotional piece, that necessarily wasn't there. I was also significantly overweight as a kid, and it was socially acceptable growing up, given our culture, to harp on physical appearance. And you know, so eventually I pretty much absorbed that as a — like, I never considered myself pretty, I never considered myself beautiful growing up. But I knew I was f---ing smart. I knew I was brilliant, but that was kind of where it ended.
Vic Vela:
Jessica also remembers that her mom often said some harsh things about people in their family who drank a lot. It gave Jessica a negative association with drinking, and she stayed away from it growing up. She was happy getting praise for doing well in school.
So, okay, so you got into this private school in middle school and the good grades continued through high school. You got to college — Barnard College in New York City. That's where you started drinking, right?
Jessica Dueñas:
It is. It was a friend's 18th birthday party. And these guys were just throwing back shots. And I remember looking at it and I—again, my self-esteem was so low because I didn't think that I was really worth anything. And I remember I drank and I was like, Oh, this is nasty. But I immediately loved the way it felt. Immediately. It was crazy. It immediately took away some of that inhibition that I always felt a lot of, that insecurity that I always felt. A lot of it just kind of melted away. I realized that I could be fun.
Vic Vela:
And be accepted.
Jessica Dueñas:
Yeah. Yeah. On those weekends where I was drinking Thursday, Friday, Saturday, you know, and then brunch on Sunday, trying to recover and having some drinks then too.
Vic Vela:
So did Thursday through Sunday become Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday through Sunday?
Jessica Dueñas:
No, it became happy hour because, you know, I grew up a little bit. I started teaching immediately after college and I started teaching with about nine other first-year teachers who also were fresh out of college. And so I would drink, say, Thursdays and Fridays. And it was fun until somebody pointed out that I was drinking too much at happy hour, because I hate getting called out on anything. I'm very prideful. I'm very stubborn. I've always been resistant to being called out. I immediately was like, well, I can't ever drink like this in front of people again. And so that was the switch from drinking at happy hour to drinking in secret. And then it started to become Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday—it became a daily thing for as long as I lived by myself.
Vic Vela:
And drinking in secret is better than having someone say, Jessica, slow down. You just had your fourth drink.
Jessica Dueñas:
Exactly. Because I had nobody to call me out. I could do my own thing. And that's always been a theme of my life: I can do it by myself.
Vic Vela:
So just to catch listeners up, you started teaching kids with special needs in New York. Why pursue that, specifically?
Jessica Dueñas:
I knew that I wanted to connect with younger people the same way I had been connected to. I wanted to make others feel good, the same way my teachers made me feel good when I didn't always feel good at home. My focus was building relationships with those kids, making them want to try when learning was difficult for them and building those relationships. So teaching special education was definitely a godsend.
Vic Vela:
Jessica met a guy who taught at the same school with her. They spent a lot of time together at work and would bond over the challenges of being a new teacher. And within a few years they were married. They moved to Louisville, Kentucky, closer to her husband's family. At this time, Jessica's drinking was more under control.
Jessica Dueñas:
Anytime I've been living with people my drinking had always been more under control because again, I didn't want to be called out. I didn't want someone to tell me, do you think you're drinking too much? And so to avoid that kind of conflict, I would always drink less or I would hide it.
Vic Vela:
So, tell me about hiding it. What did that look like?
Jessica Dueñas:
If he was around, I would buy plastic bottles, like flatter bottles, so that I could stick them between the mattress. I would put them all the way in the back of the cabinet. There was one time that he wanted to try box wine. So, I was really excited about that because the amount of wine was great. I remember I literally, I cut a hole in the back of the wine bag in the box so I could drink it when he wasn't looking. But then he suddenly wanted some and I poured water into the bag, hoping that he wouldn't notice that it was gone. And then of course, when he poured himself some, it was watered down and he was really angry and he was ready to go back to the liquor store and, you know, complain.
Vic Vela:
[laughing] Return it.
Jessica Dueñas:
Yeah! And I was like, no, no, no, you know, don't, don't worry about it. Like, it's just, you know, I'm sure it was just one bad bag or one bad box, you know. But I did everything. I would keep wine bottles in the trunk. I preferred hard liquor, but again, because I had to moderate and not completely go into oblivion, I would sometimes—I would drink wine. But I didn't like it. I'd much rather—like, I love when I was able to go out and have liquor.
Vic Vela:
Well, Jessica, was there a time when drinking really became a problem, when it really came to a head between you and your husband?
Jessica Dueñas:
Yes. There was one time that I did over— I didn't measure correctly and I did over-drink enough to black out. And so I went into a blackout, and he found me. And so he called 911 and I barely remember except kind of waking up at the hospital in the emergency room. And I woke up and I was by myself and I was so confused. And the nurse told me essentially what happened. So I remember I was like, okay, well let me just call him so he can come pick me up now that I'm awake and I'm okay. And when I called him, he just had no desire to come pick me up. He basically was just like, well, you made that decision, so you need to sit there with it. I remember right then and there, I felt like an awful human being because I felt punished. I felt like he punished me for being caught over-drinking. And I know I scared him. I'm not gonna lie, that was, it's gotta be terrifying to come home and find somebody passed out. But his reaction was to punish and to control. And so…
Vic Vela:
There was no compassion.
Jessica Dueñas:
Correct. There was no compassion.
Vic Vela:
So, what did that experience do to you?
Jessica Dueñas:
I was so scared from that, that I was really scared about suddenly being left and being abandoned. And it was like, I could lose everything that I have, so I need to get this together. But it wasn't like, Oh no, I'm sick. I need help. It was just like, okay, I need to just not drink. I actually stayed sober for a whole year. I think it was a year and a month or two, because I was so scared of losing the life that I had right then and there that it was worth not drinking.
Vic Vela:
And is that how you managed to stay sober for such a long time? I mean, that's more than a year. That's a long time.
Jessica Dueñas:
Yeah. And I mean, at that point I didn't have the physical dependence. So, you know, it was really the whole mental obsession piece. And so, yes, that was enough of a motivation to keep me sober until I didn't necessarily want the marriage or the house. And I only wanted the job. And then the drinking came back.
Vic Vela:
Jessica's marriage fell apart and being on her own again, well, that's when her drinking got worse.
Jessica Dueñas:
When I had to leave the house, I did not have stable housing for about a month, a month and a half, while still teaching — for the record — and doing a damn good job of teaching somehow. But outside of school, I was losing things in different places. And I started to drink heavily because again, I was by myself, so nobody was there to call me out on it. And I felt horrible. I had no home. I was losing my home and I was in the middle of getting divorced and I was escaping from the feelings. So yeah, the drinking got bad then. And you know, once I got my apartment, of course I just continued drinking just as badly, because there was nobody there to hold me accountable to anything.
Vic Vela:
But you did mention that you were still excelling in the classroom as a teacher. I have to ask, did you ever drink or show up drunk to class?
Jessica Dueñas:
Nope, but I was always hung over, that's for sure. And then as time passed, I was starting to experience withdrawals. Once I started having that genuine physical dependency, I was shaking, vomiting, almost passing out. It was really bad.
Vic Vela:
How often would that happen?
Jessica Dueñas:
Towards the last year, I want to say it was just about every day. And so, my doctor— I found out that you could take benzos to deal with withdrawal symptoms. So, I actually got a prescription for one and I would take it in the morning so that that could calm the shakes. It could calm the nausea. It would hold me over until dismissal. And then dismissal would happen. I would go drink myself to a blackout, come to at two, three in the morning, wake up, lesson plan, grade, rinse and repeat, every day.
Vic Vela:
Wow. So much of your day was just hanging on until you can get a drink.
Jessica Dueñas:
Right. And so teaching was a great distraction because for me, anytime I taught — because I taught so passionately and I was so into it, and so into helping the kids feel good and just building the relationships and feeling successful when they were feeling successful — it was an escape. And so it was just like, no matter what was going on in my personal life, I could be having my heartbroken. I could have the worst hangover. Somebody could've died. Horrible things could have happened to me, which horrible things happen to me all the time. But yet I could still show up and teach. I could have gotten an Oscar.
Vic Vela:
You were doing such a good job as a teacher that your work was getting noticed. Tell me about the big recognition you got as Teacher of the Year and how you felt about that and about the work you were doing.
Jessica Dueñas:
Yeah, so Teacher of the Year was definitely— I'm not going to lie. I knew it was coming. So I was nominated by a parent and then I ended up winning the award, but winning the award was so bittersweet because my father died April 27th. I was given the award on May 15th of 2018 to represent the state of Kentucky as the 2019 state Teacher of the Year. But I barely had anyone with me. And so I won that award and I felt like I was alone and I was in withdrawals and it was miserable holding that damn heavy trophy. And I was shaking and I was starting to sweat and they had me smiling for so many pictures and I could feel the muscles in my face shaking because the shakes were just literally everywhere. And as soon as I got home, I was so relieved to get home, because I got to drink, black out and go to sleep. And that was the day that I was named the 2019 Kentucky state Teacher of the Year. I was honored. I was moved. I cried. I was in withdrawals. I needed to drink. I went home, took care. I took my medicine, and I fell asleep.
Vic Vela:
Jessica, that's so heartbreaking. You had this incredible recognition and you're just suffering all through that whole ceremony.
Jessica Dueñas:
Yeah, it was terrible. It was awful. And then the funny thing is that I had one of the local newspeople ask me for a little interview over the phone and I was so anxious for them to get off the phone, like get the interview over with so I could drink. And I remember I was doing my sing-song speaking and making sure that I was saying everything correctly, but I was really just dying to get off the phone so I could drink. I just was over it.
Vic Vela:
And for the first time you had to miss class one day, because you would be so sick in the mornings.
Jessica Dueñas:
I went to the hospital. I was like, I need to go to rehab because my drinking never affected my teaching. Never, ever, ever. And that day that I was absent because my withdrawal symptoms were so bad, that's when I was like, Oh, uh-uh. Because my escape was gone, my therapy was gone. My comfort was being taken from me because of drinking. And I was like, well, no, no, no, I need to stop. That was the beginning of my recovery, my genuine recovery journey.
Vic Vela:
You know, when you started your recovery and again, you mentioned this is December of 2019, right?
Jessica Dueñas:
Yeah.
Vic Vela:
When you first started your recovery, when you got sober for the first time after drinking, did you expect it would be this kind of journey, you know, kind of in-and-out again, or did you think sobriety and recovery were going to be a straight line?
Jessica Dueñas:
I thought it was going to be a straight line. Everything else that I did, I did well. So why wouldn't, why wouldn't being sober be easy?
Vic Vela:
Of course, like it is for a lot of people starting out in sobriety, it wasn't that easy. Jessica relapsed and got herself to the hospital. This happened a little over a year ago now. And on that first day, she met someone who would change her life again.
Jessica Dueñas:
I mean, I remember vividly: I walked into the facility. I was still drunk, but I remember I saw him and I immediately was like, Oh my God, that man is beautiful. And so I immediately was like, Oh my God, I need to stay away from this man.
Vic Vela:
Okay. Why stay away from a beautiful man?
Jessica Dueñas:
Because it was a rehab! I was like, what the hell am I doing looking at a man like this in a rehab? I was like, no, like I'm a hot mess. Why am I going to look at someone else and be like, Hmm, maybe this is a good match for me. I knew it was a bad idea on like every level.
Vic Vela:
Yeah. I mean, that's tough. That's a big no-no in rehab, right.
Jessica Dueñas:
Right.
Vic Vela:
More with Jessica after a quick break.
A little over a year ago now Jessica had just relapsed and got herself into rehab for what she had hoped would be the last time. That's where she met that beautiful man.
Jessica Dueñas:
I tried to avoid him the whole time that I was in the facility for that week. He was friendly. I noticed he was very friendly with everybody. And so he came up to me and of course I got suckered in with this line. He was like, Oh, where are you from? Or where did you move to Kentucky from? And I said, Oh, I moved here from New York. And he was like, Oh, did you model there?
Vic Vela:
[laughing]
Jessica Dueñas:
And immediately I was like, Oh, that's so cute. Immediately, I was like, okay, well I'll talk to him. And so, we decided to keep in touch outside of the rehab and we would go to meetings together and very quickly, feelings, legitimate feelings develop, and we were in a relationship.
Vic Vela:
Did you guys help each other stay sober those early months?
Jessica Dueñas:
Yeah. I mean, we were always encouraging each other. We had this discussion about our own journeys. So we would make sure to go to our own meetings and we had our own recovery friends, but then every now and then we would go to a meeting together. And that was really fun to do. We had one specific meeting that we would go to together. It was actually an LGTBQ meeting that I would go to because I felt comfortable there in terms of being an ally. And even though he was straight, he actually agreed to come to those meetings with me. It was really sweet because, like I said, that was definitely out of his comfort zone, but for me, he was doing it. And then we would always go out to dinner after that meeting. And it was just a really nice, really nice experience. So yeah, I mean, that's how we helped each other out. And even when COVID hit, we decided to move in together. Because of quarantine, we knew being apart and being isolated would be bad for us, especially because the centers, wherever meetings were happening, they were closing down. So as addicts and alcoholics, we were losing our safe spaces.
Vic Vela:
Jessica's recovery was getting stronger, but the pandemic was really hard on her partner. By April, Jessica figured out he was relapsing. He was really struggling being so isolated away from the gym and his recovery community. And he lied to her about using heroin again. He disappeared back to his old apartment to get high and she’d go looking for him. And then he'd apologize and come home. One day — it was a Tuesday — he said he was just going out to the gas station, but Jessica got worried.
Jessica Dueñas:
So I went back to the apartment. Lo and behold, the car was in the parking lot, got to the apartment, knocked on the door, nothing. I called the phone. I could hear it ringing, nothing. And I knew he was in there because his phone was in there. So I started banging really hard on the door. He wasn't answering. A neighbor came out, I guess it was like a neighbor slash somebody who had access to keys, like I guess somebody who worked for the building. And he came out and I was like, look, open the door. He's sick in there. And he wouldn't let me in. He thought that I was trying to break into the damn apartment. And so then, he wasn't helping me. So I grabbed a fire hydrant that was right there—not fire hydrant, a fire extinguisher.
Vic Vela:
Yeah.
Jessica Dueñas:
I grabbed it and I started slamming it against the door with all my strength. And he was like, I'm going to call 911. And I was like, go ahead. Because clearly, he's sick in there and you're not helping me, and I knew he could get into the apartment. So he called 911, and then of course he's on the phone. And he's like, yeah, there's this tall black woman trying to break into an apartment.
Vic Vela:
Oh no.
Jessica Dueñas:
And this was like, Breonna Taylor had freaking died in March. And so the police came. I was still hysterical. I couldn't keep myself together because I already felt what was happening. And so they pinned me up against the wall and I was screaming and I was… They finally, the guy opened the door for the cops and of course they walk in and he's dead.
Vic Vela:
Oh, no, Jessica.
Jessica Dueñas:
Yeah. Every time I tell this story, I have a different reaction. Like right now I'm just angry, you know? I mean, he was dead. And then the cop lets me go like, Oh, okay. Like, I guess she was right. And I was just so angry that the guy didn't trust me. I was so angry that I didn't get there in time. I couldn't believe that he was actually dead. I had just seen him two-three hours ago. I couldn't believe that I was the last person that he had interacted with. There was just so many things that I couldn't process and believe. And then I had to call his mom and tell her that he was dead. And then I called his brother and told him that he was dead. And then his mom came, was there within like a half hour. And you know, nobody— first of all, telling a mother that her son is dead is one of the worst experiences ever. And then seeing her see her dead son is another one of the most, the worst experiences ever. And then seeing him, he was just so blue, you know? I just couldn't believe it. I still can't believe it. It's an image that's stuck in my head. It's like, I mean, I'll never forget that. And you know, thankfully recently I've been better at remembering positive memories, because he was so much more than that moment. He was so much more than that moment, but it was just so traumatic.
And from there, I fell apart. I relapsed that night, I mean, that day. I got, I went to the liquor store on the way home from his apartment. I saw the coroner carry him out. I was able to touch his hair and say bye. And then they took him out and I never saw him again. And so, yeah, I went home and I drank. And everybody that I told, it completely shocked them because I was hiding, I was ashamed of his own addiction, you know? And so telling everybody, it was just very difficult, because I was so far away, nobody could be there to—[CRYING] No one could be there to comfort me.
Vic Vela:
I know.
Jessica Dueñas:
And so I was just there by myself and I was drinking and I ended up in the hospital. And then, I mean, since then I ended up in the hospital like seven damn times, you know? And so, I mean, I'm okay enough today, but that was the worst experience ever.
Vic Vela:
I'm crying with you. [CRYING] Because you know, I've, I've seen it, I've seen, you know, people die like that. And, and I know. I'm sorry you had to deal with that because you tried so hard to get him help and there's nothing we can do.
Jessica and I both needed to take a break after that story, but Jessica has persevered in her recovery. And I know we don't normally talk to someone on the show who's been in and out of the hospital seven times in the past year, but it feels especially important to do that right now while the pandemic, and the isolation that goes along with it, is still going on. Jessica always drank more when she was living on her own with no one to call her out. That's one of the reasons the pandemic is especially hard for people in recovery.
Jessica Dueñas:
There's so many things. I feel like the first one is, again, we're stripped of our supports. And all this isolation, that's a perfect breeding ground to want to drink. As a teacher, you know, teaching became ridiculously impossible and challenging, and then you're still being held to the same damn standards as before COVID. So, there's just so many things and everybody's situation is different, but the one thing that we had in common is that everything changed. And when everything changes, not everybody deals well with change. And in addiction we need routines.
Vic Vela:
Yeah, boy, and that's been lost, huh?
Jessica Dueñas:
Right.
Vic Vela:
The Monday morning coffees with your sponsor. And then this meeting that you hit up every week, your home group. And the hugs, right? And the applause. And you know, it's great we have the zoom. It's absolutely great that we have the zoom, but you can't replace that energy in a room. When did you decide to get help again? And what are you up to now?
Jessica Dueñas:
So I decided to, I ended up hospitalized for the last time, God willing, at the end of October, early November. And when I was in there, I accepted a more thorough diagnosis, a full assessment and all the works. Because I was just like, I was so tired of going in and out of hospitals and I accepted taking medications instead of fighting it, because I was so stubborn. So I accepted medications. But while I was in there, I was like, I either need— I need to change everything. I need to give up everything in order to gain everything.
Vic Vela:
Giving up everything has meant doing something that Jessica never expected. Since she was a little kid, the classroom has always been her safe space. Her teachers nurtured her, good grades, gave her confidence. I mean, she was the fricking state Teacher of the Year, but in order to focus on her recovery, Jessica decided she had to give up teaching.
Jessica Dueñas:
It was hard. I feel like it was coming. It was coming from right after he died. I mean, I had to take medical leave for the last month of school because I ended up in a rehab for five weeks. So I knew that I was going to have to let it go, but I was stubborn and I was hoping I could figure it out. And so once I did let it go, though, once I said, I'm going to resign, I felt like the world's weight was lifted off my shoulders.
Vic Vela:
That’s good. You made the decision and let it go.
Jessica Dueñas:
Yeah, I had to give it up because I gave all of myself to teaching. I went so above and beyond all of the time. I poured from myself all of the time. I was becoming empty because all I gave of myself was teaching. And how could I focus on myself when everything that I was doing every single day from morning tonight was about somebody else? It was like, I'm not doing these kids any good either. I'm not doing anybody any good by being so stubborn. And so when I was in the hospital, I was like, you know what? I'm done. And I didn't know what the hell I would do with my life, but I was like, I'm going to die if I don't— like I knew a hundred percent, I was going to die if I didn't stop. And now that I'm out of it, I can never go back.
I mean, I would if I needed to, because I couldn't pay bills and I was desperate, but I never would want to go back to teach from that perspective. And I really don't want to. And it's crazy, like, I love teaching, but I really don't want to go back. And so in terms of what I'm doing now, I mean, I found a random job. I have a normal, plain boring job, which I'm so grateful for because I clock in, I do it, I do it well. And then I clock out and I don't stress about it. I do sales for a private tutoring company. So all I have to do is help people find the best plans for their children to get them on grade level or whatever, you know, something so minor that I get to use my skillset and my background, but I'm not feeling like I have to save the world.
Vic Vela:
When she finally made the call to leave teaching, that's when Jessica decided to write that newspaper column in the Louisville Courier Journal. She wrote, “I will fight my alcoholism daily. I no longer live in fear of anyone trying to out me.”
When you wrote the column, was that sort of your coming out?
Jessica Dueñas:
Yes, it was. And I had some former colleagues who I had no idea they were struggling and they reached out and asked me literally for advice, like, do you think I should go to this place or this place? Because I've been to just about every facility in Louisville. So, I could actually talk to them about what it was like there. People ask me very genuine questions and I didn't realize how much it would help. I knew it would be useful, but I didn't realize how impactful it would be. And then my email completely blew up with messages either of just encouragement or I can relate or best wishes or help.
Vic Vela:
Isn't that something?
Jessica Dueñas:
Yeah.
Vic Vela:
It's exactly the point of telling your story. One, to be honest with yourself. And wow, you have struggled to help yourself for so long. Now you're providing help for other people. That's a great feeling.
Jessica Dueñas:
It is. It's unbelievable. It's just funny because I always knew that I would help people, but I never thought that it would look like this. I thought that, I really thought my path was teaching and that I'd just retire an old teacher and I had one plan and the universe had a complete other plan for me.
Vic Vela:
Jessica says she actually still does get to teach her old students in a way. Now she's doing it through her life example. And that's really why Jessica is telling her story. Even though she doesn't have more than a few months of sobriety under her belt, she knows that at each step of the recovery journey, people need an example. We need to see ourselves in someone else's struggles, in someone else's triumphs.
Jessica Dueñas:
I actually, I just got my two-month chip, like literally. And I think that—
Vic Vela:
Nice.
Jessica Dueñas:
Thank you. And I think that people do need to know that I busted my ass to get to that two-month point. And I mean, and I'm not sitting here saying that I'll never do it again. God willing, I won't. As for today I won't. And that's all I can focus on, but
Vic Vela:
That's all that matters.
Jessica Dueñas:
Yeah.
Vic Vela:
And I'm so glad you brought that up because something I hear in the recovery rooms a lot is, two years is a long time, but two months is a really, really long time. Because those initial months are so, they're tough, they're tough. And to get through them, it takes a lot of courage. And so, congratulations. How has your image of yourself changed? When you look back on the image that you talked about as a kid and how you looked and how you thought of yourself…
Jessica Dueñas:
Thank God it's so much better. I feel that I'm a great person. I think I'm a loving person. I do think I'm beautiful inside and out. I feel that I deserve the world and why not? I know I have a gift. I know I'm here for a purpose. If I didn't die last year, it's damn sure because I'm here for a purpose because I could have died a couple of times last year. And the fact that I didn't lets me know that God, universe, higher power, whatever anybody else wants to call it, wants me here for a reason. And so for that, when I look in the mirror, I feel good. And it's not just because I might like the outside. It's because of everything that I carry in my heart.
Vic Vela:
Jessica has left Kentucky and she's in Florida now, with support from family and friends. And her relationship with her mom is so much better. She actually told Jessica she was proud of her for getting help. Jessica's advice now is to get help the first time you think you might need it. And that two months sobriety chip she got right before our conversation? Well, she's almost doubled it now. She sent me a voicemail.
Jessica Dueñas:
I'm 90 days sober. One of the biggest things that has been really key for me to stay sober, at least these past 90 days, has been finally having a way to deal with my grief. Today I can actually channel it through writing. And when I write, I feel really productive and it feels really good to get the feelings out of my head and off my heart and onto paper. I have a tool. Now I have a toolbox. I didn't have a toolbox before. Thankfully that has really helped me and made a big difference in me staying sober, at least for these 90 days. And hopefully it will work for tomorrow too.
Vic Vela:
“Back from Broken” is a show about how we're all broken sometimes and how we need help from time to time. If you're struggling with alcoholism, you can find a list of resources at our website, backfrombroken.org.
Thanks for listening to “Back from Broken.” Please review the show on Apple Podcasts. It helps other people find it. “Back from Broken” is hosted by me, Vic Vela. It's a production of Colorado Public Radio’s Audio Innovations Studio and CPR News. Our lead producers today were Matthew Simonson and Rachel Estabrook. Find a list of everyone who helped make this episode in the show notes. This podcast is made possible by Colorado Public Radio members. Learn about supporting “Back from Broken” at cpr.org.
