Tracie Lechman's recovery story starts with a troubled relationship: Her high school boyfriend committed a horrific crime in which four innocent people lost their lives. The fallout left Tracie entangled in the criminal justice system, struggling with addiction and haunted by trauma. Her story is about how recovery can be a long journey, but illustrates that life does get better once you seek help.
Back from Broken is a show about how we are all broken sometimes, and how we need help from time to time. If you’re struggling, you can seek help through a list of resources we've compiled.
Host: Vic Vela
Lead producer: Jo Erickson
Editor: Dennis Funk
Producers: Luis Antonio Perez, Rebekah Romberg
Music: Daniel Mescher, Brad Turner
Executive producers: Brad Turner, Rachel Estabrook
Thanks also to Hart van Denburg, Jodi Gersh, Clara Shelton, Matt Herz, Martin Skavish, Kim Nguyen, Francie Swidler.
BackFromBroken.org
On Twitter: @VicVela1
Transcript
Vic Vela:
Hey, it’s Vic. Before we get started, I want to warn you that in this episode, I speak with someone who was greatly affected by a mass shooting in Colo in 1993. I spoke with our guest a few months ago, but in light of an attack at a grocery store in Boulder, a team of editors, producers and myself took pause to decide if we should release this interview. We know that this conversation about someone impacted by a similar crime may be difficult to hear right now, especially in the weeks after multiple shootings have occurred in states across the country. So by all means, come back to this episode at a later time if you don’t feel like you’re ready.
But let me say why we’re moving forward with this episode. This is a story about a different kind of victim in a mass shooting — not someone remembered on the news for their heroism or anything like that; quite the opposite. Today’s guest is a victim and, at the same time, bears some responsibility. And she takes full account for her actions nearly three decades ago. And let me say: she was not there at the shooting and wasn’t part of whatever led up to it. But she was prosecuted and did pay a significant price for her involvement in the crime’s aftermath.
Colorado Public Radio has covered numerous angles of mass shootings and you could find that coverage on cpr.org. But “Back from Broken” is a show about people recovering from the greatest challenges of their lives. And this episode is definitely that. We appreciate the trust you place in us to tell tragic stories in an empathetic, fair and professional manner. We thank you for listening, and I hope you still take that away from today’s episode.
One last thing: This episode does contain strong language and discussion of suicide and violence, which may not be suitable for all listeners.
In three, two, one.
On “Back from Broken,” we often talk about recovery from alcohol or drug addiction and mental health issues. Today, we're going to get into something different. In this episode, how a lapse of judgment and bad decisions changed a young woman's life.
Tracie Lechman:
I was 16 years old and I was in over my head.
Vic Vela:
Tracie Lechman was in the news a lot back in the mid-1990s. One night in December of ‘93, her boyfriend, Nathan Dunlap, showed up at her door, carrying a duffel bag, a gun and lots of cash. Dunlap had just murdered four people and injured another at a Chuck E. Cheese restaurant in Aurora, Colorado.
In the aftermath, Tracie tried to help protect Dunlap from the police and was charged as an adult for her actions. Tracie has never publicly told her story of that night outside of a courtroom. But a few months ago, after hearing a “Back from Broken” episode, Tracie sent me an email.
How are you?
Tracie Lechman:
I am good—nervous. I'm nervous.
Vic Vela:
She said she wanted to tell me about her life after that night, how it affected her decades later and put her on her own path to recovery. By talking about that night, Tracie said she hopes to let go of the past and learn to forgive herself.
I'm Vic Vela. I'm a journalist, a storyteller and a recovering drug addict. And this is “Back from Broken” from Colorado Public Radio — stories about the highest highs, the darkest moments and what it takes to make a comeback.
Tracie Lechman grew up like most teenagers, hanging out at malls with her girlfriends and yes, checking out boys too.
Tracie Lechman:
I had two friends and we just hung out all the time. We would ride the 15 bus, the Colfax bus, just for fun, you know, just to see if we could meet cute guys.
Vic Vela:
Then one day while she was sitting in the back of the bus with her girlfriend, she notices Dunlap.
Tracie Lechman:
Me and my friends, we were riding on the bus. He also got on the bus and I was attracted to him. Yeah. And then from there, a relationship quickly started up.
Vic Vela:
Tracie was 15 years old when she met Nathan Dunlap. He was her first boyfriend and they spent hours fooling around and watching TV.
Tracie Lechman:
We really liked Beavis and Butthead at the time. [LAUGHING]
Vic Vela:
[LAUGHING] Who didn't, right?
Tracie Lechman:
Right, right. Yeah.
Vic Vela:
And how would you guys interact while watching it?
Tracie Lechman:
We would just laugh. Or a lot of times we would just, like, play-wrestle. I've always been kind of a scrappy kind of girl being so, being so small. I, you know, I never liked being bullied or the fact that boys were physically stronger than girls. So I was always trying to prove my strength.
Vic Vela:
Tracie just felt right at home hanging out at Dunlap's place. Over the months, they developed a deep and loving relationship. Tracie didn't care that Nathan was three years older. For her, Nathan was a catch. She said he was more mature than boys her age. And he was kind and generous. She was 16 years old and in love.
And there was a pretty big age gap between you and Nathan Dunlap. Did anyone in your family worry about that?
Tracie Lechman:
No, there was three years difference. And in my environment, it was not an issue. My friends, they all dated guys two to three years older. Yeah. It wasn't, it was never an issue. But now I look back on it as a parent and I'm like, Oh my God, I would never let my daughter date— you know, if she was 16 date a 19-year-old. But back then, it wasn't a thing.
Vic Vela:
Then, on December 14th, 1993, everything changed. Tracie said Nathan called her that night. He was at the Chuck E. Cheese where he'd recently been fired from and told her he was there playing video games. At some point, he then hid in the restroom and stayed there until just after closing. When he emerged, he shot and killed four of the remaining employees and injured another. He stole money from the safe. After the shooting, Dunlap went to Tracie's place.
Tracie Lechman:
Him being the love of my life, I was like, I didn't want to believe what he had done. I, you know, I didn't want to believe. It was just my Nathan that was there that night and he needed help.
I gave him the clothes and let him take a shower and let him leave that stuff at my house. And then later that night, the cops were coming to my house to look for his coat, but I never had his coat. Well, I was like, Oh f---, I've got all this other s---. F---! I was like, I gotta get this s--- out of here. I cannot let the cops find this s---. So I packed it all up. And my grandparents lived a couple blocks away at the time, and I ran it over to their house and I hid it behind their shed. And then as soon as I got back from returning, from hiding this stuff, I saw the cops in the hallway coming up to my apartment. And they came in, and this whole time my mom is at work. So I'm doing this kind of all by myself.
Vic Vela:
Tracie, did you think twice about taking that stuff to your grandparents' place?
Tracie Lechman:
No.
Vic Vela:
No?
Tracie Lechman:
No.
Vic Vela:
Even though they were, I mean, they treated you great, right?
Tracie Lechman:
Yeah. I couldn't leave it somewhere where someone else could find it. You know? I mean, I didn't want, like, a kid to find the gun. So I put it where I knew where it was safe. And I mean, my grandparents were always my safety. So that's why I put it like as far away from them as I actually could, but you know, but still safe. Like I didn't put it in their house. I was running on pure adrenaline. I have a very hard time recalling a lot of the finer details. You know, I was running on tunnel vision that night, complete and utter tunnel vision.
Vic Vela:
So was there ever a voice in your head saying, Tracie don't help him? You need to call the police right away.
Tracie Lechman:
No. No there wasn't.
Vic Vela:
Tracie was charged as an accessory to the crime. And though she was only 16 years old, she was tried as an adult and faced up to six years in prison. All through the trial, she continued to protect Dunlap. In the courtroom, when given the chance to apologize to the families and victims, she struggled.
Tracie Lechman:
It was a very awkward apology. It wasn't as heartfelt as I would really have wanted it to be. I mean, I turned and addressed it to them. You know, I really was truly sorry for their pain. I lacked, you know, the emotional intelligence. I was so nervous and it didn't come out right. It was just very fumbly and awkward. And I figured that they probably never would want to hear from me. I know that I caused them a significant amount of pain.
Vic Vela:
Tracie was seen as the lover of a remorseless killer and emotions were running high, but then something happened. Out of the blue, one of the victims relatives stood up for Tracie in court. Although this woman had just lost a family member in the shooting, somehow, in her grief, she could see that Tracie was still just a child.
Tracie Lechman:
And she said that she remembered when she was 16 and the mistakes that she made and she also fell in love. So she had, she said she kind of understood that love that you feel at 16 and how real that is and how head over heels in love you are that sometimes it will cloud your judgment. [SNIFFLING] It was an incredible act of mercy and forgiveness.
Vic Vela:
Tracie believes that one act of compassion helped shorten her sentence. She was convicted and sent to prison for five years instead of six. And after the break, we find out how Tracie coped with jail and how starting a family helped put her on her road to recovery.
At sentencing, Tracie Leachman received five years in prison, but the judge said she could get out early if she completed 90 days in a Department of Corrections boot camp. The camp was a frightening place for a teenager, so Tracie had to grow up really fast. She had no friends or allies.
Tracie Lechman:
I was terrified. Absolutely terrified. Yeah, I just pretended, you know, like, I totally got this and I'm not scared. Even though on the inside, I was terrified.
Vic Vela:
The bootcamp program was designed to correct behavioral issues using military drills.
Tracie Lechman:
It was like literally physical torture. I mean, they, it was so many pushups, so many jumping jacks, they would get inches from your face, like an inch or two away and yell at the top of their lungs. Their spittle would be flying on their face and you'd have to stand at a position of attention and take it and not look them in the eye because they would be, they would scream at you.
Vic Vela:
After completing bootcamp, Tracie’s sentence was changed to five years of probation. The bootcamp had a profound effect on her. The tough military-esque lifestyle forced Tracie to change. And she told herself that she'd never go back there. In her early twenties, after completing probation, she started looking for her first job, but she was worried that potential employers might recognize her name from the newspapers and find out about her past. But when they did background checks, the records only showed that Tracie had been charged with accessory to a crime. Shortly after her release, Tracie met a new guy, found a job she loved, and for the first time she was happy.
So you guys were 19. And how did you meet him?
Tracie Lechman:
My little sister and his little sister were best friends. So I kinda knew of him and actually didn't really like him at all. [LAUGHING]
Vic Vela:
Can I ask, why didn't you like him at first?
Tracie Lechman:
I just kind of felt like he was a kind of a punk.
Vic Vela:
[LAUGHING] Okay. And you met him like right after you got out of prison, right?
Tracie Lechman:
I actually started to get to know him right after I got out of prison. He had called one night to talk to my sister and she wasn't home, but we ended up talking on the phone for several hours. It was on from there.
Vic Vela:
How did the light go off for you? Because you talked about him being a punk, but then now during this phone call, you're, you're talking for a long time. Several hours is a long time to be on the phone. What was it about him during that phone call that, that kept you on?
Tracie Lechman:
Because I got to see a different side of him. I got to what was underneath that punk layer. He was just, he was very sweet and respectful and kind, very, you know, very kind.
Vic Vela:
Did he say anything in particular to sweep you off your feet, to woo you?
Tracie Lechman:
No, it was nothing like that. I mean, my feelings for him grew, you know. I think after about a month, I knew that this was somebody that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.
Vic Vela:
Well, let's talk about your first, your first baby. When you had your first child, Tracie, what was that like?
Tracie Lechman:
Oh, it was the best thing that ever happened to me. Oh, the love that you experience, you know, when they first get put into your arms, you know, it's just, he became my whole world. It was incredibly satisfying. And I just, I loved being a mom. You know, I still enjoy being a mom. They're 21 and 20 and 14, so.
Vic Vela:
Got your hands full, but it sounds like they're growing up pretty good.
Tracie Lechman:
They are. I'm very proud of them and they're amazing. They're amazing human beings. I love them.
Vic Vela:
Almost two decades after the murders, Tracie had her life back on track, but then, breaking news.
Mike Lamp:
The state's first execution in more than 15 years is on hold.
Pat Mack:
Governor John Hickenlooper’s decision yesterday to indefinitely postpone Nathan Dunlap's execution…
Vic Vela:
In May 2013, a judge finally set a date for Dunlap's execution. But shortly after that, Colorado Governor John Hickenlooper put the execution on hold with a temporary reprieve.
Governor Hickenlooper:
Is it just and moral? If you make a decision to take this person's life, is it a benefit to the world?
Vic Vela:
So there was a lot going on and the murders were in the news again. It was a difficult time for the victim's families. For Tracie, the news took her totally by surprise and forced her to confront some of her deepest problems. Pretty soon, news reporters were at her door and Tracie had to tell her children about her past.
Tracie Lechman:
I freaked out. And then the news also found me and they came knocking at my door and that was my worst fear. You know, I didn't want my children tainted by my f--- up. So, they knew that I had gotten in trouble, but they didn't know the full extent of it all. That was like, my worst fear, to be exposed again, to be in the news for all the wrong reasons and all these wounds being ripped open again. I wasn't prepared for it. I wasn't prepared for the tidal wave of emotions and memories.
Vic Vela:
Did you talk to them altogether, or did you pick a moment when, when you could talk to them individually about this stuff?
Tracie Lechman:
I picked moments where I could talk to them individually, when I knew each one was ready to understand and process what my story was.
Vic Vela:
And what was it like? I mean, how were you feeling when, when you were telling them about your past?
Tracie Lechman:
Shame. A lot of shame, you know, but strength also.
Vic Vela:
What was their reaction?
Tracie Lechman:
They were just kinda quiet and they, you know, they just kind of digested the news and they would ask a few questions. But I hope that, you know, my perspective, the information that I shared with them, because I could kind of give them an intimate knowledge of what happens when you screw up. So to help steer them away from anything that might land them in trouble like that.
Vic Vela:
Tracie's life was spinning out of control. She’d just started work as an EMT and the stress of the murders were coming back into her life. So a doctor prescribed opioids to help Tracie manage. She quickly became addicted to Percocet.
Tracie Lechman:
So I was having a lot of flashbacks and then my, yeah, my drug use absolutely started getting out of control at that point.
Vic Vela:
Desperate to get her hands on more drugs, she stole them from her EMT unit. She couldn't stop herself. Then one day she decided that she wanted to end everything.
Tracie Lechman:
I was upping the ante on taking as many Percosets as I could get my hands on. Eventually decided that this is no longer worth it. This is— I'm done. So I swallowed a bunch of other pills to try to commit suicide and then ended up on a 72-hour hold. And I was like, Oh my God, this is another worst— you know, I can't believe I did this. And so I really had to reevaluate, you know, what I was doing in life. It was just, everything was just too much. It was, you know, I couldn't emotionally take on everything that had happened, you know, I mean—
Vic Vela:
So it was just a lot going, a lot to take on.
Tracie Lechman:
My plate was too full and I just couldn't see the light anymore. I had told everyone, I loved them. You know, I was like, I told everyone I was going to go to bed and that I love them. My sister caught onto what was going on. She knew somehow, and she called 911, and I wasn't allowed to refuse the ambulance because, you know, yeah.
Vic Vela:
After trying to take her own life, Tracie started on a difficult journey of recovery. She really wanted to be free of her painful past, but she needed help.
Tracie Lechman:
I felt like I had fallen in a hole and dirt was just being shoveled on top of me. And I could no longer dig my way out. Like I was just tired and I had given up. I could no longer see the light at the end of the tunnel. I just, yeah. I had no fight left in me.
Vic Vela:
When did you realize that you needed more professional help? Can you describe that moment?
Tracie Lechman:
Well, it was after I had tried to commit suicide. The psychiatrist was like, you're not a candidate for suicide, really. He's like, you're going to school, you're a mom, things are, seems like they're going relatively well, you seem like you have so much going for you. Why would you do this? And I was like, you're right. Why? I do. You know, I, I don't know what it, yeah, I just—
Vic Vela:
Well, she was putting everything in perspective.
Tracie Lechman:
Yeah. Yeah. And I really, you know, I realized that I did need to get into therapy. So I did, and it got too intense, so I quit, and then I realized I still needed therapy. So I got back in therapy and yeah, it just, it has done wonders for me.
Vic Vela:
Let me back up to something you just said a second ago. What was too intense about the therapy that you got early on?
Tracie Lechman:
It was addressing my Nathan issues. It was such a huge ball of different emotions, like a big knotted ball of string. You would tug one and it would get snarled up in a different, you know, set of emotions. And I didn't even know where to begin. It was just painful. I would have anxiety thinking about it. So I just kept it blocked and stuffed down in there. And then I realized that I needed to deal with this big ball of knotted emotions. And my therapist has been great in helping me untangle all of that crap.
Vic Vela:
You know, the road to recovery means different things to different people. How much did the thought of caring for your children help in your recovery?
Tracie Lechman:
It was everything. I realized I never, ever, ever want to let my kids down again. And I traumatized them when I attempted suicide. And it was very selfish of me and something I regret. But being a good mother has always been my number one priority. I always try to make sure I thought about how has, how will this affect my kids? You know, how will this benefit my kids? So they were my whole world.
Vic Vela:
You're crying, talking about this right now.
Tracie Lechman:
Yeah. I, I hurt, I hurt my babies and that kills me.
Vic Vela:
Have you gotten to a point where you're able to forgive yourself for that?
Tracie Lechman:
Hmm. I don't think so.
Vic Vela:
Are you hopeful that will happen?
Tracie Lechman:
Yeah. That's why, you know, I'm in therapy, working. I'm toughest on myself. I still carry a lot of guilt, a lot of shame. You know, maybe one day I will get there.
Vic Vela:
I hope so. After all that you've been through, Tracie, do you think you're finally free of what happened that night when Nathan showed up?
Tracie Lechman:
No. No, I don't think so. The ripple effects were so huge. Every time I apply for a job, I'm scared that they'll find out who I am and that will affect me getting the job. If someone Googles my name, you know? So there's always a chunk that's in the back of my brain that's, you know.
Vic Vela:
But even though you're not totally free and obviously you're still dealing with some, you know, it was a heavy thing to happen a long time ago, and then the suicide attempt. And I mean, those are heavy, traumatic things. Has the recovery, at the very least, made it, made all the pain and trauma more manageable?
Tracie Lechman:
Yes, yes, absolutely. Yes. I can now recognize some of that and how to process it in a more healthy manner, recognizing it and not just reacting, trying to do a lot more responding. I think because of the trauma, you know, I, I would react to certain situations instead of having a thoughtful response to it. So yeah, no, I'm just trying to just manage those emotions a lot better, and process them instead of pushing them away.
Vic Vela:
Tracie's journey since the night four people lost their lives more than 25 years ago has been long and difficult. The choices she made when she was 16 can't be undone. She’s struggled to come to terms with what happened and has worked to not let those actions define her.
Tracie Lechman:
I am a firm believer that you should not be defined by your worst act in life. Some of us have some doozies as our worst act, but that's not who you are all the time. You're defined by other things too. Everybody is. We're all complicated people and we're all worthy of forgiveness and compassion.
Vic Vela:
After getting professional help and taking steps to overcome her past, Tracie studied to become a legal assistant and paralegal. She's worked in private practices and with the Denver public defender's office. In 2020, the death penalty was repealed in Colorado. Governor Jared Polis has since commuted sentences for death row inmates, including Nathan Dunlap, to life without parole.
“Back from Broken” is a show about how we are all broken sometimes and how we need help from time to time. If you, or someone you know, are struggling with thoughts of hurting yourself or others, you could find a list of resources at our website, backfrombroken.org,
Thanks for listening to “Back from Broken.” Please review the show on Apple Podcasts — it helps other people find it. “Back from Broken” is hosted by me, Vic Vela. It's a production of Colorado Public Radio’s Audio Innovations Studio and CPR News. Our lead producer today was Jo Erickson. Find a list of everyone who helped make this episode in the show notes. This podcast is made possible by Colorado Public Radio members. Learn about supporting “Back from Broken” at cpr.org.
