Leah V got married young. Her relationship was tumultuous, with high highs and low lows -- including a physical altercation that ended with Leah in jail. But therapy changed her life and allowed her to heal. Now, she's a successful writer and social media influencer, and a role model to others.
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Host: Vic Vela
Lead producer: Rebekah Romberg
Editors: Jo Erickson, Erin Jones
Additional producer: Luis Antonio Perez
Music: Daniel Mescher, Brad Turner
Executive producers: Brad Turner, Rachel Estabrook
Thanks also to Kevin Dale, Hart Van Denburg, Jodi Gersh, Clara Shelton, Matt Herz, Martin Skavish, Kim Nguyen, Arielle Wilson.
On Twitter: @VicVela1
Transcript
Vic Vela:
Hey, it's Vic. This episode contains a lot of strong language and some vivid descriptions of domestic violence. Please be advised.
In 3, 2, 1.
For most people getting married is one of the happiest days of your life. It's something that requires months of preparation, and sometimes years of anticipation. When Leah V got married though, that's not how she felt.
Leah V:
It was very, very shady. Actually, I call it my practice wedding [laughter].
Vic:
Okay.
Leah:
And I don't, I don't count it at all. ‘Cause it was so fucked up. So I just graduated from college, no job. I have to find somewhere to live outside of the campus. So I ended up finding this kind of [laughter] month-to-month, roach-infested apartment in the ghetto. But I'm like, I'm grown now. Gotta do what you gotta do.
Vic:
Leah grew up in a Black Muslim community in Detroit. She was preparing for her wedding day after just graduating college at the age of 19.
Leah:
So it's really interesting ‘cause I've never really wanted a family. I never really wanted to be married, especially ‘cause my mom was divorced so many times. My mom was married and divorced I think over nine times. So my views of marriage and family were very skewed. I didn't want – I didn't want that for me. But we were not married, and we were sleeping together, and we both wanted to be devout Muslims, and it was starting to weigh on us very heavily. So there – we were like, okay, we do like each other, or we love each other. We also, like, won't stop sleeping with each other. So the next step would be to get married. It was never like I wanted to do that, but it was like, this is the next step as a Muslim.
Vic:
So it wasn't exactly a romantic story.
Leah:
Absolutely not.
Vic:
We gotta do this. We just gotta do this.
Leah:
Yes.
Vic:
The night before the ceremony, Leah and her partner got into a huge fight. She told him the wedding was off, and she never wanted to see him again. But when he came back to her apartment the next day they patched things up. And even though their families didn't approve, they went ahead with the ceremony.
Leah:
20 minutes later, we were married.
Vic:
Just like that. Wow.
Leah:
In an empty, roach-infested apartment with no couch, no table. Very, very shady.
Vic:
Oh gosh.
Leah:
Yeah.
Vic:
Well at least you had an audience right? With the roaches.
Leah:
[Laughter] They were somewhere around at that time, somewhere peeking, peeking around the crack or something [laughter].
Vic:
And while Leah can laugh about it now, the rocky start to this marriage was a sign of things to come: a complicated and at times disastrous relationship. Leah's experience in this marriage would mirror what she encountered growing up. Her childhood contained periods of abuse and violence. She's had to fight most of her life to get what she wants and needs. Today you're getting to hear about how Leah V broke that cycle and turned her identity into her greatest asset. But it wasn't simple, and it wasn't easy.
I'm Vic Vela. I'm a journalist, a storyteller and a recovering drug addict. And this is “Back from Broken” from Colorado Public Radio. Stories about the highest highs, the darkest moments and what it takes to make a comeback.
Leah V grew up in a very troubled home. Her father was absent, and her mom cycled through husbands frequently. Leah and her siblings had many stepfathers over the years, but there was one that particularly stood out. In Leah's memoir, she refers to him as The Algerian.
Leah:
He was a very interesting character. I remember when I first saw him. I was a little kid, and we were in the back of my mom's [laughter] van. And I remember this white-looking man on a bicycle, just riding up with a big smile on his face. And my mom is like, “Oh we're married.”
Vic:
Just like that.
Leah:
Yes. And I'm like, again, we're, you know – for all the viewers of color, like especially the Black ones – you don't talk back. You don't ask questions. If your Black mama says something, that's it. There's no questioning. And so she said it, and I'm just like, “Oh.” That was it. Just like an internal “Oh,” right. You can't make any actual sounds. And yeah, that was it. And I just remember him being very young and kind of vibrant, didn't know a lot of English. And it took a turn, of course. It always does in my mom's marriages. It started to become very toxic, like extremely toxic, from both sides, honestly. It wasn't just like one or the other. They both had some traumas that they never talked about, and they both just mixed into this big ball of trauma. He was not ready for that type of woman. And she was not ready for that type of man.
Vic:
Gosh. So it was like the perfect storm of two people who are really suffering.
Leah:
Yes. It's like looking back on it now, I’m like, absolutely not. They should have never, ever connected. We definitely experienced some negative things with him as well, being our stepfather.
Vic:
You know, it is kind of that old, like, misery loves company, right?
Leah:
Mhm.
Vic:
Leah says her mother and stepfather were at constant war, and those fights weren't exactly one sided. They could both be physically and emotionally abusive toward one another. But one day things got really bad. Leah remembers being upstairs with some of her siblings while her mother and stepfather were downstairs along with Leah's baby brother who was still an infant at the time.
Leah:
I heard a huge knock on the ground on the first floor as if something heavy had hit the floor. And so of course, I run downstairs. As I'm running, I hear a piercing scream come from my little brother who is literally in a blanket still. When I turn the corner, I saw my mom on the ground, kicking her legs up. I see [unintelligible] Algerian, stepfather, kind of over her. And I don't ask questions and like how it happened. All I see is, like, baby screaming. Mom's on the floor. Man over her. And I'm like, okay, get the baby. And so I'm getting him, trying to console him. My younger brother and sister also run downstairs. We're trying to separate them however way we could. They're still trying to get at each other. We end up running to the back room, which was our classroom because we were homeschooled, and we all kind of barricaded ourselves in there with my mother.
He kept trying to get inside. I don't know why. I remember asking him, like, “Why won't you just leave?” Like, “Why won't you just go?” And he’s still talking in Arabic, with the broken English, and he's really mad at my mother for whatever reason. And he finally busts in. And my little brother – he's my little big brother – he literally took my stepfather by the collar and just pushed him back. And then we ran upstairs, and the police were called.
And so the police ended up coming and not taking him away, but escorting him away. Basically it was like, “Get your clothes, get your – whatever you gotta get, but you cannot stay here. You cannot stay here.”
And he's like, “This is my fucking house. I'm not understanding. I pay rent here. Why do I have to leave?”
And they're like, “You have to go somewhere else.” It was no charges pressed or anything like that, but he did get taken away.
Vic:
Hmm. Leah V, how old were you then?
Leah:
I think I might have been maybe 15. I think I was like 15, or – yeah, 15.
Vic:
That's a lot to handle for someone that age. For any age for crying out loud. What was that like for you?
Leah:
Mm. Honestly, I think my goal was to – I mean. I internalized a lot of stuff.
Vic:
Yeah.
Leah:
So at the moment I remember being scared, but not like fazed. I just wanted my little brother to be okay. I wanted my mom to not be crying or upset. So I think I probably just – honestly at that point internalized it. I don't think there was any conversation afterwards. It was no consoling. It was like, okay, he's gone, so hopefully it gets better. And I like to always tell people during interviews, I think that sometimes we like to demonize these people, right? Like, okay, this person did this bad thing to me. But at the same time, my mom kept her kids clean and safe for the most part. And she did the best she could with what she had. So I like to tell people, sometimes we're really quick to demonize people and not humanize them. And so yes, she made some mistakes, and they should have never happened, but they did. And she kept me alive to the point where I could do the things that I'm doing right now. Right. So I always…
Vic:
Thank you for saying that.
Leah:
…put that in there.
Vic:
No, thank you for saying that. And that's so important, and I agree a hundred percent. I struggled with drugs and alcohol my whole life. And when I was a little kid, my dad was an alcoholic. And when he would be in the throes of his drinking, you didn't want to be around him ‘cause he'd be cursing at the Broncos game or something like that and being mean. But at the same time, looking back in my own recovery, I see that he was – he was in pain a lot, and he was suffering a lot. Clearly you see that with your mom. I mean, she suffered a lot. Growing up in this and surrounded by so much madness, did you have a form of escape?
Leah:
So I was a very thoughtful child. I didn't really speak much because I didn't feel that I had a voice, number one. And I felt like nothing I said was worth anyone listening to. So a lot of times I internalized conversations and stories. And I think that's why I became obsessed with storytelling at a very young age, because I felt like that was my escape. Right? Oftentimes I would create these fantasy worlds where I was basically a white heroine, because I felt like that was a way that I can get out of, you know, being a Black girl with no father living in Detroit.
Vic:
Leah got married at the age of 19. She was doing well academically, and she graduated early from her business degree and was eager to get her master's. Her marriage on the other hand was showing cracks and falling apart. One night it all came to a head. But looking back now, Leah's able to see some humor in this terrible situation.
Leah:
It was hurtful. But then it was also hilarious because just – it was so dumb. But at the moment it was so serious. Right? And so what happened is – you know, [laughter] long story short – he worked a lot. I worked a lot. And so this particular night my friends asked me, did I wanna go out and party with them? I'm like, “No, gonna take my husband to the movies. We never get time together.” So I'm being nice. So I get home and I'm like, okay, he's on the couch, just chilling with the cat. And I'm just like, “You ready?”
He's like, “I'll get ready when you're ready.” You know. Already had an attitude.
Vic:
Yeah.
Leah:
I'm like, okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. That's fine. It's fine. Go into the room. I put some clothes on. I have pants on, a long sleeve shirt, and then I put another, like, lace shirt over the top to kind of make it more modest. ‘Cause I know how he is. I come out, ask him if he's ready to go. He looks me up and down. Like I am nothing. He's like, “I'm not going out with you until you change your clothes.”
And I'm like, “Why would I change my clothes? This is what I'm wearing.”
And he's like, “I'm not going anywhere with you with your butt out. You look like a slut.”
And I was like, oh wow. So I went back in the room. Then I turned around. I was like, “You know what? I'm not changing. This is what I'm wearing. And so you need to get your clothes on because the movie's about to start.”
He starts calling me slut again. And at that point I was enraged. It went from zero to a hundred really quick. I remember just – I think attacking him, honestly. And he used to do MMA classes and stuff like that. So he's, you know – he knows how to pin people down. So I remember trying to fight him because of him calling me a slut. It triggered me in many, many ways. He pinned me down on the ground. He's like, “You need to calm down.”
I'm like, “I will never stop trying to hurt you.” And I remember saying that as I was pinned to the ground. Like, “I'm gonna hurt you. That's it. So you can let me up, but I'm gonna attack you again.” He sat on me for a little bit longer. By this time I'm out of breath. And then we fight, tussle some more. When he gets up – mind you, my cat, Kitty Boo Boo is very skittish – he ends up getting a hanger, throws it at my face, hits me in the eye. So now my eye is injured and red. And so I'm just like, “Why won't you just like, leave? Like, why won't you just go?”
And he's like, “I'm not going anywhere.” Kind of like the same situation with my mom and the Algerian husband, right? And so I was just like – I went to the room, and I pretended to call the police so that he can go. I wasn't really calling them. So he went outside and sat in the car. I thought he had driven away.
So I see red and blue lights out the window. And I'm like, hmm. Interesting. I look out the window, and I see his car still sitting there, and the police officer's talking to him, and I'm like, oh my God, the police are actually here. Like, how can I finesse my way out of this? ‘Cause I don't know what he was telling them. So I kind of opened the front door a little bit and tried to, like, eavesdrop. So my cat, Kitty Boo Boo, ran out the door. And I'm like, oh my fucking God [laughter].
Vic:
Oh no.
Leah:
Like, would you come here? Like, stop. Like, you're ruining the eavesdrop [laughter]. And so – so Kitty Boo just runs out the door. [Laughter] I'm like, oh my God, what the fuck?
Vic:
Okay. That's – sorry. That's really funny. No.
Leah:
And the cops of course take notice with the cat, like me trying to get the cat back in, you know, trying to be incognito. And they come and talk to me. And so I'm a finesser. I speak well. And so I'm like, okay, you got this, bitch. So they talk to me. They walk in. They're like, “What's going on?”
I'm like, “Nothing. What are you talking about?”
And they're like, “That's not what he said.” So they're looking at all the clothes on the floor, the hanger, the pots and the pans. They see it looks like a war zone in my apartment.
Vic:
Oh gosh.
Leah:
And they're like, “What's this then?”
I'm like, “Okay. Listen, listen, listen. We had a little, you know, just a little situation. Everything's fine. I'm cleaning it up, look.” ‘Cause I – like, showing them how I'm cleaning up.
And they're like, “Ma'am he says that you scratched him in the face, and you need to turn around. We're taking you to jail.”
And I'm just like, wow. So I drop my phone, and they handcuff me, and they take me to jail. I remember asking them to pull back around so I can talk to my ex and tell him about the cat. And so they actually turned back around and lowered the back window. And I just remember saying, “Please don't hurt Kitty Boo Boo.” And the window rolled back up, just so dramatic for no reason. [Laughter] He would never hurt the cat. It's just like, I felt like I had to say that.
Vic:
I love that your last words to your husband at that moment were “Please don't hurt Kitty Boo Boo.” I just think that's amazing.
Leah:
[Laughter] He – he needed to know that [laughter].
Vic:
I understand the laughing about this stuff because, my first time being arrested – we were at a grocery store. The cops – my friend was playing with a bunch of weed in the car while I was inside. And then the security guards came and tried to take me out of the store and I'm, I'm flying on cocaine. And I'm in the produce section, throwing mangoes at the security officers and [laughter] they…
Leah:
Not mangoes.
Vic:
…Mangoes. And the funny thing is – you remember that show, “Cops”?
Leah:
Yes.
Vic:
I was not on “Cops.” Thank God. But I was wearing a black hat that had the logo, “Cops” logo…
Leah:
Crying.
Vic:
…That was the thing that amused everyone in that holding cell.
Leah:
[Laughter] That is hilarious.
Vic:
And as silly as some parts of these stories can be to look back on, others aren't so silly. Leah says once she actually got to that jail, there was nothing funny about her experience at all.
Leah:
They made me remove my hijab, which was very upsetting. There were no female officers. They were like, “We can't do that because we don't have female officers.” When I tried to use a bathroom, they had to stand in the doorway. It was very, very traumatic.
Vic:
What a terrible experience Leah V.
Leah:
Yeah.
Vic:
Do you remember what you were thinking when you were sitting inside that jail cell?
Leah:
I just remember being, like, your anger – your inability to deal with your emotions landed you here. It was never like, oh, he's the reason why I'm here. Never. Not once. I was like, you're the reason you're in here. You're in a whole master's program, sweetheart. You have so much life to live, and you literally let someone calling you a slut – even though he should never have said that – you allowed that to put you in jail.
And I just kept thinking that over and over and over again. And also thinking about my cat, Kitty Boo Boo. I was like, she needs you. And she lended comfort to me, just even thinking about her when I was in there. And so I definitely thought a lot about how I'm gonna change my life around and how I would never put my hands on another human being ever, would never pull out a knife or weapon on another human being. And I've kept my promise of not putting my hands on anybody since then. Not wielded a knife on anybody or a pencil, any weapon. Like, I've not done that. And I'm proud that I've kept my promise, ‘cause that really traumatized me.
Vic:
It was a real turning point for you.
Leah:
Yes.
Vic:
How Leah V turned her life around after the break. For a lot of people, finding your path to recovery rarely happens on a straight line. Oftentimes it's a series of little steps mixed in with very big steps, steps forward and backward and sometimes off to the side. There is always a first step. And for Leah V she knew she needed to take it when she was in college where she had her first panic attack.
Leah:
I remember the day when I was literally in the shower, and I just kinda, like, fell over and just laid there. My heart was beating so quick. I felt like I was having a heart attack. I felt like I was going to die. And I just laid there and let the water pitter patter on my body. And I was like, I don't know what the hell this is, but I don't feel okay. And of course, you know, being a strong Black woman – that trope – you don't reach out for help because you've been told like, oh, you're weak or you don't wanna burden other people. And so I had had bouts of anxiety attacks and depression and stuff like that and anger, lots of anger. But when I did try to reach out, it was, you know – pray more, do better. Or it would be, don't get on medication because you're not gonna be able to get a job if you get on any type of medication. So that's what I was working up against when I would have anything. So I didn't wanna go to therapists, psychologists, psychiatrists, anything. So I'm like, they're gonna put me on papers. It's gonna be in my record forever.
Vic:
Yep. There's that stigma holding us back. Yeah.
Leah:
Yep. And so that's why I didn't get help because I thought I wouldn't be able to work. So after the 60th panic attack, I didn't know how to handle what I was going through. And so I got a sore on my gums, and I couldn't really chew. So I went to the dentist. He's like, it's a stress-related mass on your gums.
Vic:
Wow.
Leah:
And I'm like, that's crazy. My eye was twitching really bad. And so I was like, you know what? You need to get help because I feel like you're going – it's just getting worse. And you're doing things that are not helping.
Vic:
Well, let me ask you, ‘cause I mentioned stigma before. ‘Cause there is a lot of stigma around going to a therapist in just everyday, but then you have the religion component on top of that you had to deal with. You've written about that stigma in the Muslim community. How did you overcome that?
Leah:
I think I overcame it by seeing what I didn't want to be. I was surrounded by a shit ton of very mentally ill Muslims, very mentally ill Black family members, lot of domestic abuse, sexual abuse, drug use, all these things that nobody wanted to talk about but were basically destroying people and families. And I was like, I don't wanna be like that. I don't wanna be that person who slowly destroys other people because I'm hurt. Like how people try to do me. And I have to make a conscious decision to do something different. And I didn't know where it was gonna lead to. I had no fucking clue. Um. Sorry [crying].
Vic:
It's okay.
Leah:
Like I didn't know where, you know, the path of breaking the cycle – I didn't know where it was gonna lead, but I was like, you can't do this. You can't keep living like this. So I was like, okay, let's do it. Like it's gonna be a lonely path, but it's gonna pay off in the end [crying]. That was my hope. And I always held hope that something better was out there. And you know, I'm not that religious. I feel like I'm more spiritual than religious, but always had hope that if you take the steps to change the narrative, it has to work out in the end. It has to. And I hung on to that, but it was lonely ‘cause I had to cut people off. I had to create boundaries [sniffles], but I'm so glad I did it because I would not be here right now if I continued that path.
Vic:
Therapy really changed Leah's life. But you don't just go to therapy and then your problems magically disappear. It takes a lot of work, and Leah wasn't alone in that work. She needed her partner to make some changes too. Her husband agreed, but he wanted to go see a Muslim therapist, which Leah did not want to do. So they decided to go to a nondenominational therapist and struggled to find common ground. Her husband continued to question Leah's devotion to God and wanted her to change the way she dressed. Leah says he refused to make any compromises. And he often got into arguments with the therapist.
Leah:
He's like, “Okay. So what do you think we should do? Like, what is your, like, you know – what do you think we should do?”
She's like, “Honestly, in my opinion, you two should get a divorce, and I will send you guys the invoice in the mail.”
And I was like, “Wow, that's crazy.” [Laughter]
Vic:
Wow.
Leah:
And he's like, “I thought we were doing so good in there.”
And I'm like, “No. She hated you. [Laughter] Did you see the way her tongue would click, and [unintelligible] she would snap the pen up and down up and down. Like, you were physically, like, bothering her. She just couldn't say anything because she's a therapist.”
He's like, “I thought we were making headway.”
I'm like, “She hates you.” [Laughter] And it was just, it was just like, wow. Like, are you not – ? Wow.
Vic:
He had zero self-awareness.
Leah:
None. None. He's just like, “We are doing so well.” She's like, “Get out, get divorced, and here's the bill.” So yeah. [Laughter] That was a situation.
Vic:
Well, I mean, it sounds like it needed to end.
Leah:
Yeah.
Vic:
Did you ever lose faith at that time?
Leah:
Oh, of course. During the divorce and then after it was finalized, I definitely was like, toggling: is Islam really for me? I've been called sluts and hos, and I've been called all types of things that, you know, you shouldn't call – like, Muslims should never call other Muslims. I've been told I, you know, wear too much nail polish and too much makeup. I was too ambitious. That I should be having his kids and keeping kids away from him is going against God. I've been told all types of things about how I was inadequate as a Muslim. And so once you're told how much you suck at something, you're just like, fuck it. I won't do it at all. And so I was definitely looking at the hijab, like, okay, do I really wanna wear it? ‘Cause I can't wear it properly, according to them. I can't be what they want me to be. So why I am I hanging on to being a Muslim so hard? Like why am I hanging onto something that I can't do?
And it took me a couple months to really dive into what Islam meant to me without the husband, without the community. Strip all that bare, and what was left? And I have to go through my own trials and tribulations to find out that I can indeed be Muslim on my terms. I don't owe it to anybody to show you that I'm the poster child for Islam. I don't owe that to non-Muslims, and I definitely don't owe it to Muslims. And so I had to really dig deep into what it looks like stripped bare, you know, objectively. And I found out that I am very much a Muslim. I love the religion, but I'm gonna do it on my terms.
Vic:
After the divorce, Leah was able to do a lot more on her terms. She was free to more fully commit herself to her creative career. Before the divorce, she started a blog and started to dip her toe into styling and work in the fashion industry. When she was on sets for photo shoots, she kept getting asked if she was one of the models. Eventually she started an Instagram page. And after the divorce she started putting herself out there more and more. And people noticed.
Leah:
So in the beginning, people were saying, I've never seen like a fat, Black, and Muslim person doing this. Like I was the first. There was none. I mean there was Muslims, there was Hijabis. There were mostly like Middle Eastern, maybe a couple Somali sprinkled in there. But there was never like a fat, Black, divorced, American Muslim from the D doing that - dressing crazy and crazy lipstick and lashes and nails. Nobody was doing that. And of course, like, I was trying to do it while I was married, and he didn't approve of it at all. He's like, “I don't understand why you have to be visible. I don't think Muslim women, especially married ones, should be in a limelight like that. You should be for your husband's eyes only.” So he definitely hindered me in some ways, but I just kept pushing it and pushing the bar and doing stuff, sometimes secretly. Doing little photo shoots and just creating content.
Vic:
Yeah.
Leah:
And people really resonated with it. Like not just fat people or Muslim people, but everybody: the queer community, old white women from Wisconsin, women in India. I would get messages like, “Oh my God, this is so cool. Your story is similar to mine. Keep doing what you're doing.”
Vic:
And then you put out an amazing video called “Muslim Girl Dance.”
[SOUNDBITE OF THE VIDEO, “MUSLIM GIRL DANCE”]
Leah V (on video):
Visibly Muslim Hijabi. I'm fat, but don't get it twisted. Are you afraid that if we could actually love, really love, our true selves, imperfections and all, that we'd be free? [Music]
Vic:
In this video, Leah V confidently walks and dances around downtown Detroit.
[SOUNDBITE OF THE VIDEO, “MUSLIM GIRL DANCE”]
Leah V (on video):
Do I make you feel uncomfortable?
Vic:
She's wearing a number of different outfits, but always wears a t-shirt that says Believe. The video is simple and powerful. She's unapologetically being herself.
Leah:
This honestly changed my life for the better.
Vic:
Wow. Well you did this because you wanted to create a video about body positivity and to elevate the visibility of people that look like you.
Leah:
Yes.
Vic:
What was the response like?
Leah:
I got so much love from all over the world. It was amazing for people to be like, “I never seen this before and you look amazing. You did amazing. You lit a spark in me that didn't know I had before.” And then on the other end, I got death threats from mostly Muslim men and white men – death threats and body shaming, fat shaming. I had to turn off my notifications for a couple days because the hate was so disgusting and so…
Vic:
That just pisses me off. I mean, it just pisses me off. Why does it bother you? Like, okay. If it's not your cup of tea, fine, don't watch it. But why do you have to be so pissed off? It's something that doesn't affect your life one bit?
Leah:
They were mad about it. [Laughter] They were so upset. I didn't get it either. I literally was just dancing in the streets of Detroit and saying how I think that all bodies should be celebrated. And that really struck a chord with a lot of people. I wanted to create something from us, by us, and just to shed light on not everybody is gonna fit into that stereotype of what a Muslim should look like or what a Muslim does or how she speaks. We're not monoliths. And I wanted to break that ideology of Muslim women look and sound like one thing, ‘cause it is just not the case.
Vic:
And that's central to what Leah V does now. She's a writer, content creator, model, and social media star with a fierce following. Since releasing the “Muslim Girl Dance” video, Leah moved to New York City and she's been in ads for brands like Target and Ugg and featured in publications like “Cosmopolitan,” “Glamour,” and “In Style.” And while she sometimes has to deal with internet trolls, Leah V provides desperately-needed representation and is a role model to a lot of people now.
Leah:
It feels surreal. It feels magical. I cry every time people tell me about how I've affected them because I'm a baby, clearly. And I never thought I would be that for somebody.
Vic:
What advice would you have for someone who might be struggling and who might be thinking about getting help and seeking out therapy?
Leah:
I would tell them to definitely go into therapy open because if you go to therapy closed, you're not gonna get the full benefits. If you're not willing to at least try to tell the truth, you're not gonna get the full benefits. Just like my ex when we went to therapy. He wasn't willing to be open, and he wasn't willing to be honest. And that shit is so hard. It is very much so easier said than done.
Vic:
Yeah.
Leah:
But if you want to be on the other side of greatness, mental greatness, spiritual greatness, like whatever greatness you're seeking in life – and we're all seeking that, whether we wanna admit it or not – like you have to be open, honest, and try to be vulnerable. Be more vulnerable than you were the day before. Because once you get to that, it feels so damn good. It feels so good to live in your truth.
Vic:
I couldn't put it any better. You are just lifting that weight off that you don't need to carry around. And oh, I feel silly talking about my problems. No – screw that. You deserve to be happy, and you deserve to share whatever you're going through. And the more we talk about this stuff, the less scary it is.
Leah:
Exactly. It definitely gets easier I think. People don't just jump into being vulnerable or being honest. It's a process. Be gentle with yourself to understand that we're human beings, and we're gonna go up and down, and down and down, and maybe up, up, up. And that is totally okay. That's so fine.
Vic:
Leah V continues to live and work in New York City where she continues to talk openly about her struggles and successes on social media. You can learn even more about Leah in her memoir called “Unashamed: Musings of a Fat, Black Muslim.”
“Back from Broken” is a show about how we're all broken sometimes and how we need help from time to time. If you're struggling with domestic abuse or mental health issues, you can find a list of resources at our website, backfrombroken.org. “Back from Broken” is hosted by me, Vic Vela. It's a production of Colorado Public Radio's Audio Innovations Studio and CPR news. Our lead producer today was Rebecca Romberg. Find a list of all the folks who worked hard to make this episode in the show notes. This podcast is made possible by Colorado Public Radio members. Learn about supporting “Back from Broken” at cpr.org.
